Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy

12 mins read

By: Gabrielle Bernstein | Date: August 20, 2024

  • Gabby Bernstein is a #1 New York Times bestselling author and an IFS practitioner trained from the Internal Family Systems Institute. Her new book, Self Help, charts a path to healing that can literally change your life—a simple, powerful method informed by Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy.

Internal Family Systems: What is IFS therapy? 

When someone asks you, “Tell me about yourself…” What’s your immediate response? Maybe you list off your career credentials, or maybe you bust out pictures of your kids to demonstrate your role as a parent. It’s highly unlikely that you’d say something like, “I’m fun until I get hurt. When I’m hurt, a part of me gets really angry. When I’m angry, I fight back. And when fighting back doesn’t work, I shut down and numb out on the Internet.” 

We identify ourselves based on an outer perception that we’ve built up over time—what we do, who we parent, our gender, our race, our religion, where we live, etc. Our outer focus and the pretenses we’ve created about ourselves have masked what matters most: who we truly are on the inside. 

Inner reflection is often saved for an hour a week in therapy or a moment on a meditation pillow. Most of the time, our busy lives prevent us from taking the necessary time to reflect on who we truly are, what we genuinely desire, and what we really need. Instead of being receptive to our feelings, we override them. Instead of healing from our difficult life experiences, we shut them down, numb out, and focus our attention outside to avoid what’s happening inside. When our external circumstances become challenging and our internal struggles feel overwhelming, we might resort to addictive behaviors such as drugs, alcohol, overeating, gambling or more. We do this to avoid having to face who’s inside. 

Facing our innermost feelings and emotions isn’t something that comes naturally to most people. Far too often we’ve been taught to push down, avoid, or minimize our inner experiences.

However, within the Internal Family Systems model, there’s a remarkable approach to healing—a compassionate perspective that has the potential to transform your life profoundly.

Internal Family Systems (IFS ) therapy is an evidence-based form of psychotherapy that’s built on the premise that the mind is naturally made up of multiple parts like sub-personalities.  IFS teaches that all of our big feelings, thoughts, sensations, behaviors, reactions, and patterns, are not who we are, but instead, parts of who we are. We’re not one mono person, but instead, we’re made up of a lot of different parts developed from overwhelming events that took place while we were children. 

The goal of IFS is to help you identify and get to know these different parts of yourself, so that you can relate to your inner thoughts and emotions in a compassionate, kind and loving way—like an internal family. Through the process of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy , you can learn to connect to these parts with a calm energy, and ultimately help them feel safe.

Check out my conversation with the Founder of IFS.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) was founded by Richard Schwartz, PhD. Watch the video below to hear my conversation with him and learn more about this groundbreaking therapy.

Benefits of the Internal Family Systems Model

What I love about IFS is that it puts you in the driver’s seat of your own healing. 

Internal Family Systems is a compassionate approach to healing that encourages curiosity and kindness toward all parts of yourself. Instead of trying to fix or change, IFS helps you understand and accept your inner world, fostering greater self-love. With curiosity, compassion, and courage, you can heal and integrate your different parts, leading to a more fulfilling and joyful life.

For anyone struggling with the effects of trauma, anxiety, depression, addiction or other challenges, Internal Family Systems therapy offers so much hope. It reveals that your symptoms and behaviors aren’t evidence that you’re fundamentally flawed, but that there are hurting parts of you stuck in the past that need your love and attention. 

Internal Family Systems Parts (IFS Parts)

We all have unique defense mechanisms that activate when triggered by external situations or people. These patterns develop to protect us from unresolved past emotional disturbances, often unconsciously. Consequently, when these emotions remain unaddressed, they become persistent energy patterns, leading us to instinctively fight, flee, or freeze. To avoid experiencing these intense emotions, we adopt behaviors to manage and suppress them.

In Internal Family Systems therapy, we learn that what we often perceive as our bad habits, knee-jerk reactions or addictive behaviors are actually just misunderstood parts of ourselves trying their best to keep us safe. IFS calls these our Protector Parts.

We all have Protectors like this: parts of us that lash out in anger when we feel threatened, shut down when things get hard or turn to numbing behaviors when our feelings seem too big to handle. 

Protector parts are named for their core mission, which is to protect against impermissible emotions from the past. Feelings that were established early, often in childhood, such as feeling unsafe, unlovable or even traumatized.

Internal Family Systems Parts are categorized as Managers, Firefighters and Exiles. These parts show up to protect us from feeling deeper, often unresolved, wounds from our past.

The Goal of Internal Family Systems Therapy

Above all, the goal of IFS therapy is to help these protective parts release the extreme roles they took on in an effort to keep us safe. When we turn towards our parts with curiosity and compassion, they can begin to trust that it’s okay to let go of their old survival strategies and pain.

In Internal Family Systems Therapy, there are no bad parts. Each IFS part has its own unique perspective, feelings, memories and motivations that developed to help us cope with challenges, often from past traumatic experiences.

IFS Parts – Managers

Managers are often in control and act as our daily protectors. Their job is to shield us from anything that might bring up the painful, unhealed feelings from our past.

IFS managers include parts of us that try to control everything or judge others to avoid feeling inadequate. They can seem extreme and difficult, but they are the parts we rely on most to feel safe.

When something really upsetting happens and the managers can’t control our feelings, the firefighters take over.

IFS Parts – Firefighters

The firefighters are the most extreme protectors. They can include addicted, harmful and even suicidal parts.

IFS firefighters step up when an exile (a deep inner feeling) is activated and the manager’s coping mechanisms are ineffective. 

When we feel intense fear and terror, the firefighter steps in to put out the fire. These firefighters are often the addicted or suicidal parts that will do anything to numb the pain. 

IFS protector parts (managers and firefighters) keep us from facing painful feelings from the past. Childhood trauma can make us lose trust in others, so protector parts work hard to keep exiled parts safe.

Protectors take on the role of parenting the exiled parts. As we grow, these exiled parts rely on protectors for safety. Our unconscious mind fears the exiled parts, worried they might trigger intense emotions like anger, panic, shame, anxiety or worthlessness. Therefore, protectors are always on guard to prevent these triggers from surfacing.

IFS Parts – Exiles

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, “exiled parts” are the wounded aspects of ourselves that carry the pain, shame and beliefs of unresolved past experiences, often from childhood. These parts hold the “impermissible” feelings that, at a young age, seemed too overwhelming for us to process.

When we experience trauma or adversity, especially as children, the emotions can be so intense that they threaten to destabilize our whole system. In an effort to protect us and regain a sense of safety, our parts learn to exile this pain deep into our subconscious.

We all have exiles, whether from “big T” Traumas like abuse or neglect, or “small t” traumas like feeling ignored or misunderstood. While pushing away this pain helped us survive in the moment, those exiled feelings don’t just disappear. They live in the shadows, informing our thoughts and reactions in ways we don’t even realize.

To avoid the discomfort of this buried hurt, we develop protector parts that work hard to keep us distracted. For example, we turn to work, achievements, relationships, addictions – anything to keep us from feeling the inadequacy, fear and despair of our exiles.

IFS protector parts manage our exiled parts to keep us from facing painful feelings from the past. Childhood trauma or attachment injuries can make us lose trust in others, so protector parts work hard to keep exiled parts safe.

Protectors take on the role of parenting the exiled parts. As we grow, these exiled parts rely on protectors for safety. Our unconscious mind fears the exiled parts, worried they might trigger intense emotions like anger, panic, shame, anxiety, depression, worthlessness, or grief. Therefore, protectors are always on guard to prevent these triggers from surfacing.

IFS Parts – Self

In Internal Family Systems therapy, the Self represents the undamaged, resourced, enlightened essence of who we are. Self is compassionate, wise and accepting of all of our parts, almost like a nurturing parent. This Self knows how to take care of our exiles and protector parts. 

The qualities of Self are described by eight C words: calmness, clarity, confidence, curiosity, compassion, connection, creativity and courage. The goal of IFS is to access and operate from Self.

IFS therapy guides you to connect with the core essence of your authentic Self. From the perspective of Self you’ll develop the capacity to be the loving inner leader for your internal family of parts. One by one, you can witness each part’s story, appreciate its efforts to protect you, and help it finally feel seen, heard and honored. From this empowered place, you work together to find new, healthier ways to get its needs met in the present.

The Self is a wise, undamaged, loving part of you that acts like an internal parent. 

gabby

Let Self Help

Are you ready to unlock the greatest resource of your life? I’m psyched to share that I’ve written the ultimate self-help guide, offering a revolutionary practice to radically shift your core beliefs and connect you to an infallible inner guidance system: the energy of Self within you.

In my tenth book, I demystify Internal Family Systems therapy, taking its life-changing teachings out of the therapist’s office and into your everyday life. Moreover, you’ll discover how extreme patterns like addiction, rage, pleasing, or constant self-judgment often develop as ways to suppress old feelings of inadequacy, shame, or fear. Once you bring these patterns into the light and care for them, healing happens swiftly.

Internal Family Systems IFS Therapy

Inside these pages, I will guide you through a simple 4-step process to help you compassionately care for yourself, resolve inner conflicts, and transform your self-perception. As you learn to approach your own behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs with curiosity, love, and understanding, you’ll start to see yourself through the lens of self-compassion, clearing space for miraculous shifts.

In Self Help, you’ll discover:

  • My 4-step “Check In” process to transform the patterns that have held you back
  • Relatable, practical tools that fit into your actual life–instead of hours of contemplation 
  • Lasting relief from the negative stories you’ve been playing on repeat 
  • A practice you can apply anywhere, anytime, to connect with Self energy for instant relief

Self Help is the culmination of my extensive experience as a motivational speaker, spiritual leader, and best-selling author. Her unique approach, rooted in love, compassion, and authenticity, has resonated with millions of readers worldwide. This book will empower you to become your own inner healer. This is your chance to change your life.

When you learn to see your parts through the compassionate eyes of Self, you can help them reintegrate, unburdened by limiting beliefs, and transform your inner landscape. Little by little, your true essence emerges to lead your life.

If you feel called to explore IFS, I encourage you to preorder now and you’ll get a free ticket to my Self Help Live Masterclass. (expires soon!)

Internal Family Systems IFS Therapy

Self Help Live Online Masterclass

A full-day online masterclass to bring the book to life!

Saturday, November 16, 2024 — 10AM-3PM/ET


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