Accepting People Where They Are

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The topic I’m talking about today is one I’ve been dealing with myself recently, so it’s right at the front of my mind.

The topic? Accepting people right where they are.

I recently had a bit of a conflict with a friend that kind of pissed me off. I felt like I was being attacked, and when I walked away from the conversation I was feeling super defensive.

My fierce Scorpio instincts kicked in strong and I had this urge to be like, “Okay, screw you, this is over.”

Thankfully, I knew that wasn’t the voice of my highest self.

So I did what I always do: I leaned on my tools.

Tweet: When you accept someone where they are, we can experience grace in all relationships @gabbybernstein #spiritjunkie

I began meditating and a message came through:

Accept people where they are. Even if they’re not showing up the way you want them to. Or treating you the way you want.

When you can accept someone where they are, you can let go and forgive. That might mean you repair the relationship. Or it might mean you walk away, but with a sense of peace instead of anger.

Watch the video for more on this, and please leave comments with your own experiences or any question you might have.

I hope this serves you.

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78 COMMENTS

  1. Good Morning Gabby, I think this was the perfect video for me today. My husband and I have been going through some issues and because of a friendship and part of me wanted to run for the hills because I was not being my best self and the other part of me wanted to fight for my marriage because I see the best of me when I am with him. I have to be at peace with where we are and know that our love is strong enough to work through this. Thank you for all your info. You are one of my mentors and I love learning from you.

  2. This is very timely and seems like a message from an angel of what my next step should be in dealing with difficult people. Thank you, Gabby!

    1. Thank you, Gabby!! This is exactly what I needed to hear to today. This is the third time I’ve heard the exact words, “people don’t always show up the way you want them to” , so I think I need to take this very seriously and start really working, meditating (and tapping) on accepting people exactly where they are…Great video, as always.

  3. Such an amazing topic! I think every single person on this planet has been affected by situations like the one you described. It’s easy to get defensive and also feel like the victim. I’ve learned that there is a lot of suffering in this world and people are going through stuff in their daily lives. We just do not ever know what someone is truly feeling or going through in their deepest moments alone. And it usually has nothing to do with you. Sometimes people aren’t ready to talk or discuss or share why they’re acting or feeling a certain way. In those situations, I simply put up a boundary gently reminding them that I won’t be treated a certain way because I love myself too, but I also give people a chance to come back when they’re ready to express themselves. Othertimes, you just have to simply walk away and pray. It’s too complicated and dense to feel anything but love and forgiveness after you set a boundary and speak your truth. Fortunately, at this moment all of my relationships are at peace because of my perspective. Thank you for this beautiful reminder.

  4. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this subject. I found myself in the exact same situation a couple of days ago. I felt my scorpio accendant kick in (I am pisces), but I did what you suggest in the video.
    I took a step back and nurished my wounded pride at the same times as I managed to treat the other person in a decent way.
    I feel good today. My calm attitude made me recover a lot faster from the hurt. I feel like an ‘adultier adult’ *smiles*
    Good advice, Gabrielle!

  5. I recently went through a similar situation with a couple long term friendships with 2 different people. I was lied to by one, and personally attacked and blamed for something I had nothing to do with by the other. I’ve owned up & apologized for my side of things and these people have yet to see their part in any way (it’s been 6 months). I’m angry & hurt but I’m learning to forgive, accept and release them because I know they are not happy deep within. To me I feel the relationships are ruined and how could we go back to how things were without it being weird or complicated. People tell me I should work it out with them but I honestly feel like what’s the point, it’ll never be the same. I’d rather just move on and let them go. Is that ok? Or is that the stubborn Scorpio in me talking too?

    1. We have to be able to assess who has the capacity to meet our needs and who can’t. We can choose to distance or release those that can’t, but if we choose to stay close to someone who can’t meet our needs, we may be disappointed over and over.

  6. Love the message, and it truly works for me — except when it comes to my children. I cannot seem to accept where they are, when I know it’s not a healthly place. PLEASE give me some tips to ACCEPT them.

  7. I recently experienced a similar situation (I am a scorpio too) and am really ashamed of my gut reaction when looking back on it. I have done some meditation on this, but although I can accept and forgive the person who hurt me, I am finding it difficult to forgive myself

  8. This was perfect for me!! I have been feeling very defensive lately, even attracting reasons to defend myself into my life…I know this is not my Higher Self, so therefore, I have been praying to Return to a state of defenselessness -ACIM 153- this video is so helpful because it offers me a tool to better do that…through acceptance of where the other person is… Thank you! I’ll be meeting soon at the Master Class in June! I can’t wait ????????!!!

  9. Thanks so, so much for sharing this, Gabby! It’s amazing how your posts so perfectly match my situation and probably the situation of others, too. That’s exactly what I needed today!! Thanks so much for your great work!
    I was wondering, if you could maybe recommend a specific meditation for this? Maybe even one that is on one of your meditation albums? That would be awesome! Love

  10. I live this daily so glad you brought it up. My mother and my husband are both toxic for me and I’m in this very same place. I try and do exactly what you suggested and it does help but it’s a constant battle. I’ve already cut my husband out of my life, but my mom is a little harder. Just keeping my distance when I can sense she’s in a bad place.

  11. Thx for this timely blog. I woke up with my hubbie after a fight last night thinking we need to create one week of full acceptance of the other. I think the hard part of acceptance is also forcing yourself to see the truth of the other. Sometimes to truth could mean an ending. A hard pill to swallow. I think that is why we fight so hard. Thank you for my mini Monday miracle Gabby.

  12. Hiii Gabby,

    Thank you for this video – I love that you blog about issues as they happen, think its what makes you so real. Also, I never would have guessed you are a scorpio, what is your rising sign? ????????????

    Anyhooo, thanks for mentioning that accepting people for who or where they are isn’t the same as accepting an abusive situation. I think if you’re in an unhealthy situation expecting the other to change, this acceptance brings a reality check that can give us the resolve to walk away – accepting where they are is also accepting that they wont or maybe cant change.

    Reiki hugs,

    Regina

  13. Wow. This is so timely. I just found out a friend dropped me due to my long distance emailing with a male friend who is also married and she disapproved but also became silent and didnt tell me why.
    Also I am also now wanting to take space from this long distance married man because he is needing me as a trusted friend to help him through serious trauma from his past, and I requested a pause because although he relies on me, my own discomfort of the level of intimacy and trust is coming up for me. Very confusing. So now he is mad at me for needing space. ugh so Now I have one friend judging me and the other pissed off because he feels deserted by me.
    And again I am left with my bag of feelings that neither of them care about, just their own. I meditate and let go and surrender every day. I have past filled with childhood loneliness and abandonment and judgement and abuse, on and on, that I am working very hard on to release and forgive. Thank you for this vblog today !!! It’s a gift to my heart
    Namaste

  14. Hi Gabby – Thank you for this message! I had a similar experience over the weekend where I felt like a friend was projecting onto me, being critical and not accepting me where I was. The encounter left me a bit confused, we were clearly not on the same page. I felt like I hadn’t done anything wrong and the judgement did not serve either of us. Thanks for the reminder that it is easier to just let it go instead of holding onto the discontent. .

  15. Gabby. I appreciate sincerely your teachings because it shows that you are not above any of us but walking with us through the spiritual path. I’m a Sagittarius but I dated a Scorpio for 10 years and personally know how reactive they can be and I even imitated those patterns myself. So as I confronted anyone in my life I always went for the fight instead of the peace. With your tools I have come to a place of more acceptance and love. Thanks for your contributions to the world. You are amazing and have so much to give. Blessings always, Laura :)

  16. This serves me, Gabby, thank you. My boyfriend of almost 3 years and I recently broke up, and I was doing my best to accept him and his health problems for a long time. I was draining my energy bank trying to support him and help him, but he wouldn’t help himself. It wasn’t serving either of us when I became defensive, sad, fearful, or angry. I accepted where he was in his journey, and also realized that I couldn’t be a part of it until he could make decisions for himself. I care for him deeply still, but know that I can trust the timing and if it’s meant to be it will be.

  17. Thanks for this great reminder – easier said than done! I can put this into practice with friends and family, when I really try. I cannot seem to do this with my children. It is very hard for me to accept their unhealthly, bad choices in life. I expect too much from them, because I want the best for them and I know they are capable of so much more…I could go on (obviously!)… Do you have any tips for accepting my children as they are, right now, good or bad, obnoxious and not thoughtful…

  18. So timely. Recently I shed tears at the realization that I can hold such judgement in my heart, and while not a scorpio, walk away just the same. My awareness of the pattern is so deeply felt that it brings me to tears. Thank you for the reminder that we can always choose again.

  19. This message came at the PERFECT time!!!! I have been struggling in a relationship because of the limiting belief that all humans cheat because I’ve been surrounded by infidelity my whole life. I just watched you at Google and the advice just kicked in. This video helped me see how I’ve been projecting my shit onto my romantic partner and this is exactly what I needed to hear! I need to let him be where he is. Heaps of gratitude to you Gabby and the work you do!

    1. You and I sound a lot alike. I’m in therapy for this and do tremendous self work. I’ve come to fundamentally understand that when we focus on what we don’t want, we bring more of that in our lives. Go google Hay House and aign up for their free summit. Then watch the Dr Wayne Dyer video about Wishes Fulfillment. You’ll be glad you did. Hope you find peace, Bre Kali

  20. Hi Gabby,

    I’m being judged in a situation at the moment and this is causing he a great deal of stress.

    I’ve considered walking away from the situation but now I’m going to release the person who has put me in it.

    Sat nam, Catherine x

  21. Oh Gabby I so needed that. I’m a single mom and my sons dad barely helps. I get so angry at him especially when he gives $150 per month but acts like its $10,000 and he should get the dad of the year award. I have been struggling with forgiveness for him. This helped me today as I need to accept him for who and where he is at. As I struggle financially to support us I have to have faith that God will do what is needed and the universe has my back. Thanks girl! I really needed that today!
    ~Namaste,
    ~Mandie

  22. I am a parent and am really struggling with this. Accepting my children where they are when where they are and how they are behaving had me worried for their life. I am struggling with surrender and letting go and I am filled with fear. Any suggestions?

  23. This message rings clear to me and I have been applying it to everyone I encounter in my life today, myself and my loved ones! Acceptance and forgiveness, you will be free! Love the tools you provide. I have been committed to my spiritual path more and more and I honour myself where I am. Can’t wait to see you in NY!!

  24. Thanks Gabby!! I’ve recently left an abusive relationship, and will need to get a divorce. I’ve gone on a whole month with no contact so far and I’ve been dealing with a lot of pain from all that I allowed myself to go through for so long. I realized I finally have a voice now & am working to forgive myself and trying to get my power back. I finally realized all that I tried to help him wasn’t going to work until he was willing to change. So thank you for this topic, you’re right he’s not where I am & I accept him for who he is at a distance. Can’t wait to see you next month! :)

  25. Hi Gabby,
    Sometimes I feel like that’s all I do is accept people for how they are. I spend a lot of time and energy on other people’s feelings. Lately my anxiety level has been raised mostly with the overload of everyone and where they are right now.
    Sometimes I wish I had courage to intelligently communicate with others so they would understand and accept me.
    Then again that might not be my job.
    Thanks!
    April

  26. I totally related when you said you are a Scorpio and just drop people. I am a Scorpio, and I do that! I will think on this message from you to see if I could consider a new method.

  27. This arrived at the perfect time for me as well, Gabby! Thank you. It gave me the nudge I needed just at the right moment. I hope you find peace in your own message. Much love xoxo M

  28. Hi Gabrielle, this message came for me at the most Divine timing…I have been arguing with my mother repeatedly this past week. I just finished your MCM’s book for the 4th time on Sunday, I’m doing ACIM at the same time and i felt it was a bit much doing both at the same time, but really needed to go back to basics with the guidance as I was getting a bit off course. I also read all of Spirit Junkie for the first time before redoing MCM the fourth time – I had never been able to finish the whole book previously, but now did so in two days. Had the most beautiful experiences while reading these books – what an inspiration you are/have been. Previous sinisters have been removed – I totally overlooked you in the past as just some PR fluff – but your dedication and turn around has been truly inspirational for me, the simple tools you offer ppl to save their lives in just beautiful :-). This time round i went so deep in ‘shining a light on my egos shadows’ things came up that I feel I had been spiritually bypassing for years. We forget how far we have come when things have been really quite good – I’ve had a temporary dip, but I’m
    sure positive things are on the horizon – I’ve healed from so much it’s almost scary to remember how I used to think & feel. Wow. Commitment is always the way to go to not get sidetracked.

    It’s amazing to see how when we have grown so much, sometimes ppl like mothers are still the same. I keep wanting to help her, I get upset when she doesn’t eat healthily to my standards etc, that I forget that some ppl really just don’t want to change and there is nothing you can do but let it go & accept them right where they are & right where you are too. Amen & thank you. T

  29. Hi, I always fight with my brother. I feel that when we are apart I miss him,but it is a vicious cycle. I dont know what to do. Is my brother and I love him but we are like opposites. We just dont get along. Any advice?

  30. Hi Gabby,

    This is very timely for me because I recently decided to end a 23-yr long friendship. I followed your advice and the person felt I was being “condescending” and dug their heels in and needed me to admit that my position of accepting the situation and her as they are was condescending. It honestly made me want to say “screw you” all over again but I just am going silent and letting go of the relationship.

  31. What I would want to clarify is that was the friend someone you care deeply about and want an intimate relationship with outside of this one occurrence? We can easily take this out of context and read into it what we want and then derive our own validation for what we are doing. Getting clear and having an open heart means being open to reconciliation and completing any energetic distancing that happened as a result of our own filter that created our upset with the person.. as nothing anyone does creates our energetic drama or upset. Yes, they are the trigger and catalyst for helping us get clear about what behaviors are acceptable and one that are not, then we work with them to transcend the energy that created the upset! Thanks Gabby for posting this and helping us transcend black & white ideals of right and wrong and asking us to go within and ask for help when we are not clear. xxo

  32. Thanks for this timely vlog! Recently worked very hard to assure the success of a friend. While I received no “thank you”, others who barely worked on the project were handed personalized thank you cards. It was very disheartening and I was ready to walk away from the friendship. Thanks for reminding me to use my tools and rely on my higher self.

  33. Hi Gabby, perfect timing! I just had a friend freak out for no reason and end our friendship of 10 years in an angry text. It was so strange. I’m ok with it ending because looking back now I see how toxic it was. But how can I recover from the shock & drama of this. I feel contaminated. She has been in this situation before with lots of other people but I’m not used to this crazy drama. I just need to know how to clear this for myself. I feel tangled. I need peace. Thanks for your advice!!

  34. It’s amazing, struggled so much with this in last few days and feeling the need to be right. They biggest lesson I learned is not making someone wrong doesn’t mean I am making them right. Tough one to swallow… but if we look like you said and accept them where they are. This is easy, and of course the struggle is not real either ! Just ego LOL thanks ! I can always depend on you to be real and deliver the message needed to breakthrough!!

  35. Perfect timing. I am currently dealing with some significant issues with a business partner and my (also Scorpio) instinct is the same as yours. I feel taken advantage of and stepped on. It may be time to part ways, but this meditation will give me the opportunity to remove myself from the frustration and assess the situation rationally.

    Thank you

  36. I am a bit delayed in listening to this video but I needed it so much after a difficult conversation with a friend involving other people last weekend. I felt very hurt and attacked and being a Scorpio too I really thought forget it and have been moving away from people all week. (Just this point was a major revelation for me as my family always think Im wrong in acting this way – it could be but its great to understand its a natural Scorpio response so I can be gentler with myself and not take on board others judgements). I am about to give one friend a call and listen to their perspective as I feel distanced and judged by them….. and very hurt. I feel they valued others thoughts and feelings over mine because they are ‘sensitive’ and I come across as probably stronger but deep down the situation really hurt me and I struggled to interact with anyone the day after and cried so much….. It all makes me feel sad but your video has really helped so thank you Gabby xoxo

  37. Hi Gabby!

    Thank you for this video and for all that you do.

    How do you know when you should stay & work forward or walk away when this is a continuous struggle in a relationship? For instance, when I am not accepted for my interest in spirituality & growth (where this is not well perceived in the culture I’m living in & well as from my partner who is from this culture).

    Sending love from Europe,

    Jessica

  38. Hi, Gabby. Thank you for being you. I am so grateful to have found you. I have a question…Like many I’ve been on this spiritual path for years, and I’ve made great leaps and bounds, overcome many past obstacles…my question is this, I get the idea of seeing the mirror in a negative relationship aspect, and I understand I have the power to forgive, and walk away if need be…but how do we do the work for ourselves or how do we take back our power in relationships when the other person is a child or parent of ours? I am experiencing both in different ways right now and some of it is extreme, causing me great sadness…I struggle with letting go maybe because I have a need, or feel I do, to make sense of why this person is suddenly being so cruel to me when he has always been my rock, my go-to for support and encouragement…how do I move forward and let go of this need while honoring myself, the relationship, and the other person?
    Namaste,
    Lisa

  39. I logged in today and this was the first thing I saw (even though it is not a recent post). I have been asking my Ing for help all day and this is it! I found my biological family a few months ago and I have been having a hard time dealing with this. I am supposed to speak with them on the phone today, so the timing was incredible. I need to just accept them for where they are and move on…amazing that I found this right when I needed it. I just had to listen for my Ing to do her thing :-)

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