Spiritual Ways to Avoid Drama in Romantic Relationships

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Sometimes romantic relationships can be totally nightmarish instead of wonderful. While there are a lot of reasons romance can be tough, most of the time the chaos begins within.

As a student and teacher of the metaphysical text A Course in Miracles, I’ve come to understand how our ego (fear mind) wreaks havoc in the romantic arena. The Course guides us to see how we project our fear and neuroses onto our current partners, and it shines light on how we seek completion and self-worth in the arms of another.

There are three big romantic illusions that can really take you down. Outlined below I demystify the ways the ego gets to work in romance.

Digging up the past

Many people carry disastrous relationship experiences from the past into the present moment. Holding on to anger from your last relationship inevitably transfers negative vibes to the next one. This anger sabotages the possibility of creating a healthy new relationship, keeping you rooted in your history instead of the now.

Future tripping

Do you envision walking down the aisle after just one date? If so, trust that you’re not alone. The ego loves to future trip when it comes to romance. When the ego runs your romantic life, it’s easy to get caught up in the belief that you’re unsafe without a romantic partner. This mentality hooks you into future tripping, because without that future plan you feel incomplete. The result? It puts tons of pressure on your partner… and makes you seem like a major head case for planning that far ahead.

McSpecial with a side of fries

I’m gonna be blunt here: When your source of happiness is another human being, you’re totally screwed. The ego convinces you that all the love you need is in one “special” person. This is what the Course calls a “special love relationship.” This kind of relationship isn’t like your other relationships. You come to believe you need this one special person to feel whole. The special love relationship is exclusive, and it makes that one person better than you and everyone else.

But the ego doesn’t stop there. It convinces you that you can’t live without this “special” partner, which is the root cause of codependency. This fear-based thinking leads you to do whatever it takes to make that special person happy so that they don’t leave. You become inauthentic and subservient so that you don’t lose your special relationship. You put the needs of others in front of your own and deny your true feelings. And it’s all done in the name of special love.

Sound familiar? I bet it does. Romantic relationships are the ego’s playground, and nine times out of 10 our ego will turn the chance of romantic bliss into a freakin’ horrorshow by feeding us illusions.

The first step toward clearing the ego’s chaotic perception of romance is to become brutally honest about how you dig up the past, future trip and make partners special. Looking at your ego head-on is a powerful way to weaken its grip.

A Course in Miracles
teaches us that relationships are opportunities for awesome spiritual growth. Rather than get all heady about what went wrong in the past, let’s focus on what you can change today. Outlined below are key principles that will help guide you to release fear in romance and cultivate more love in your life.

Heal your romantic relationships

Now that you know the ego’s three big tricks when it comes to running roughshod over relationships. Let’s take a look at how we can release these ego illusions!

Special ain’t so special

Ask yourself whom you have made special. It’s likely that the same lucky person is also the person you attack most in your mind. Special love makes us neurotic, controlling, and insecure. We think we love our special partner, but really we fear them and hate them for not calling back or doing what we want them to do. We feel so beholden to this special partner because the ego makes us believe that we’re missing something and that we can only feel complete in the arms of someone else.

Set yourself free from your special illusions by simply recognizing whom you have made special. When you recognize this ego chaos, you diminish its power. You can see the ego in action and choose to begin the process of letting it go.

The invisible matchmaker

A beautiful practice that A Course in Miracles suggests is that we turn our relationships over to the care of our inner guide. When we consciously allow our ego to run our romantic life, we stay stuck in nasty patterns. Invite the spirit of love to guide your perceptions. Simply say: “Spirit, inner guide, God [whatever you wish], I invite you to take these fears from me. Help me release my romantic fears from the past and my need to control the future. Clear space for fearless love.”

You can dissolve all boundaries with love. {Tweet it!}


Another major tool for releasing romantic fears is to begin a meditation practice. Begin your MediDATING practice with an awesome forgiveness meditation:

Sit comfortably in a quiet space.

Breathe deeply in your nose and out your mouth.

In your mind’s eye, invite your partner into your meditation. (It can be someone you’re currently in a relationship with or someone from your past. It can even be someone you’ve dreamed of being with.)

Hold a vision in your mind of this person standing before you.

As you breathe in, envision a ball of golden light growing in your heart.

On the exhale, extend this light to your partner.

On the inhale, breathe in the light.

On the exhale, extend the light.

Continue inhaling and exhaling until all you see is light.

Whatever your relationship status, taking these steps can be truly transformative.

My MediDATING meditation album

medidating meditation album gabby bernsteinCheck out my MediDATING meditation album for releasing fear in romance!

In this 11-track album, I help you release romantic illusions, overcome fears and insecurities, activate your attracting power, and manifest love into your life.

Remember: All encounters can be holy

A Course in Miracles teaches us that there are “no chance encounters.” All encounters offer us the opportunity to transform fear to love and create a miracle. Accept that relationships are assignments to learn and grow. This new attitude will allow you to begin to appreciate the partner who brings up all your funky issues, because you’ll know the learning that is available to you. Freedom from fear in romance is available to you now!

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  1. Very awesome blog post! Question though; when I am thinking of a past lover and imagine sending them and surrounding them in a golden ball of light, what is this light to resemble? Is it sending them love and just the feeling of love?

    1. Exactly. Simply send them love and send yourself love. It does not have to be romantic love, but love that has transformed into simply a love for who they are and gratitude for what lessons your relationship taught you. The practice of sending love is very powerful, however you choose to tweak it so that it resonates with you!

  2. “When your source of happiness is another human being, you’re totally screwed.” Yep! I have a broken marriage of 32 years to prove it – I’m working my out of having been totally screwed. The last 12 years of our marriage were outright verbally and emotionally abusive. And yet even now, 19 months after leaving, I wake up in the middle of the night in anguish over not having been able to do enough to make our relationship right. I did not believe I was whole without him. I know better now, but old habits die hard. I’m writing this at 3:30 a.m. – another sleepless night. I’m so glad I discovered your work last month. My meditation practice is flourishing…and I’m going to stick with it, even though the going is tough. Thank you!

  3. I resonate with everything Im reading! I tend to fall into future tripping and special relationships. My last break up was devastating, I now see it was totally codependency and I have never felt so lost, insecure and depressed… I didn’t think I would ever get out of it, I tried everything to feel like myself again. I have learned a lot since then and Im still learning. I watch your videos, I read your books and I follow your meditations. Im ready for something new, something different and something good 🙂 Thank you gabby !

  4. Listening to. Fitting, and this kind of wonderful project tribute to Fraser. I know you all made it an excellent several years before, but I’m pleased today! While chatting with Sproule and myself a few years ago you delivered my focus on it. It was a beautiful visit, and you also were incredibly large with data and assistance! I’m studying Loch Iall and Hello horo’s na horo eile! Cheers!

  5. Dear gabby,

    But what about people like me, who just avoid any kind of romantic relationships? Is been four years now since my divorce. I did lots of soul searching and i meet guys all the time. But inside i feel they just not right for me. I would love to love agsin and i feel ready but all i seem to attract are people who don’t touch my heart.


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  7. Hey Gabby,

    one short but very important question:
    How can I be sure that I don’t attract the same kind of guy again?

    I left my boyfriend after 5 years because more and more I saw all his mistakes and he seemed so weak to me and much too dependent on me. I can become really cold if someone is too dependant and too weak. And I am so feared that also in the next relationship, the guy will someday be also unbearable to me, so that I can’t see his beauty anymore and can’t stand his touch.
    Although I am very thankful for my growing and for being who I am now, I am feared that the tendency will always come back that someone close to me totally deters me with his love and dependency.

    Love and Light,


  8. Hi Gabby, I agree with you some points. We need forget fears, worry to focus on make good things for relationship. Accept everything we do, we can get all will increase our experience about how we into a relationship. Today I watch a video about love and relationship but not good, it make me feeling bad little. I don’t worry or be negative from that but I hold that in our mind and ask myself what I can do and will do if I in that case… And right now I read your post. It like is signs from universe through you show to me. Thank you so much. I love your post today. Gabby

  9. All of this looks so familiar! My ego has played a leading role in my romantic relationships, even more than myself.

    My pattern, has been to attract men that at least seem attracted at first. They flirt and or tease me, but then very quickly fade away before anything even happens: not even a first date or a second phone call and or more texting. I can’t help but have a complex about this!

    I become pretty excited when a guy that I am interested in actually approaches me. I’m shocked that he/they might even be interested in me. I become very anxious. I wonder if said the right thing or did the right thing. I wonder if I’ll hear from him again or if he will ask me out or if he doesn’t, should I ask him out. I wonder and worry where it is going before it even begins. I will then sometimes text them a day or two later, with them never to initiate anything afterwards. When nothing happens, I pretty much sink deeper in hole of “What is wrong with me?” “What did I do wrong?” “Why don’t any of the guys I’m interested in like me enough to actually ask me out or want to get to know me?” “Why am I only good for their own ego boost?” I pretty much feel like I want to give up on actually being in a relationship!

    What advice would you give to someone who has had major bad luck and negative expereinces when it comes to romantic relationships?

    Do you believe that The Universe can give you a “second chance” with someone when the ego has ruined it for you?

    Does the meditation help manifest a better experience with the person you might focus on-even if they are not in your life physically?

    I really believe in the Law of Attraction. ( I have a Vision Board with a picture of the last guy that met my ego, in hopes that I can have a second chance.) I have seen it work in so many other ways in my life, but for some reason when it comes to romantic relationships, I haven’t had any positive manifestations! Could wanting a romantic relationship so much, be the resistance to one?

    Thank you so much for you time and help!

    Thank you

    1. I can see many persons don’t look really good but they really attract and make other comfortable, feel fun and wanna stay long. If they don’t improve themselves in that way I think they will alone. You can look at other people who have that characters to consider what serve you. You always deserve have good things, one if you improve good enough.

    2. Hi there, have you used mediDATING? That meditation album is brilliant for helping you clear old patterns so you can create a new romantic experience.

  10. Hey Gabby,
    I have a quick question. I went through a bad break up months ago and I have been figuring out who I am and have been going through a really awakening period. When I love my time alone, the universe has brought somebody into my life who I feel could potentially could be good for me romantically.

    One of my favorite quotes from A Course In Miracles is about how those who are to meet will meet because they are ready for eachother. I really want to respect my time alone but who am I to get in the universe’s way? How do I know when to respect my wishes or surrender to whatever the universe has going on?

    1. Hi Meghan, Even your situation what is, out there always have person who deserve and fit with you. You need believe that and really enjoy your living, be handsome or beauty more, funny with friends or family more, do more things make you feel good. Then you will attract and find people fit with you. Don’t bother about someone don’t fit with you, because you will don’t know, what is fit will happen without you know or don’t know by law of work for itself. The love you think like great love before don’t exist right now, that is why you need consider this thought. So to something good happen soon, you must to decide change and take action to change something soon as you can.

  11. I have been using your mediDATING album since June (after a break-up). The guided meditations have not only helped me in my romantic life, but in all other areas as well. I am seeing such a beautiful transformation in releasing the blocks to become who I know I have always been. After a 6 month break from dating (I followed your advice in Spirit Junkie and made spirit my boyfriend) I am stepping back into dating with a fresh attitude and approach. So far I feel fabulous and wonderful regardless of the outcome with my romantic dates and just allow myself to have fun. Thank you Gabby for your powerful work.

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