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When I was 17, I moved out of my childhood home and never looked back—until recently.  My brother sent me a link to a listing of our old house … and a very specific feeling hit me. 

I felt alone. I felt separated. I felt … not good enough. 

We didn’t live in a fancy house. My parents were divorced and my family struggled financially—which made me feel so different from the other families in my hometown. 

Even now, certain situations can trigger those same beliefs.

Why do those feelings still linger?

How do we begin to heal these stories that play on repeat?

That’s what we’re tackling today in this bonus episode of Dear Gabby.

listen now

how to be less judgmental

This also connects beautifully to a question I’ve been getting from Dear Gabby listeners:

How can I begin to create more oneness in my relationships?

Here’s a secret:

The practice of forgiveness is what allows us to recognize more oneness in our relationships with others.

gabby

But before we can really even talk about forgiveness, we need to address why we’ve been unwilling to forgive … and unwillingness shows up in our life as judgment.

Clearing judgment is a deep commitment. It’s a lot of hard work. But it also gets right to the heart of what we’re talking about on Dear Gabby.

In fact, the definition of judgment I lay out in my book Judgment Detox is very straightforward: separation from love. 

So how do you release all those judgments that build up over time? How do you identify and break the cycle of your own stories of separation? You can start with a simple exercise. 

First, stop for a moment and think of a judgment you’re holding onto. This can be a judgment about yourself or it could be about someone you’ve been unwilling to forgive. 

Write that thought down.

Now, think to yourself that you are ready to forgive. You may not feel it yet—but just let yourself think it. Open yourself up to that possibility. Then say this prayer:

healing prayer

If you listen to this episode of Dear Gabby, you can close your eyes while I talk you through this prayer. Allow these words to move through you, relax you and guide you. 

in this episode you’ll learn:

  • How to identify the experiences from your past that cause to you to carry limiting beliefs in the present
  • Exercises to understand why certain people and places trigger judgmental reactions—and how to break the cycle
  • How to witness your judgment without judgment
  • A liberating practice for discovering the light in other people

That last practice is an old-school Gabby exercise I’ve been sharing since I was coaching groups of women in my New York City apartment! You can do it silently throughout the day and use it in all your interactions to experience more love and light wherever you go. 

Listen now.

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disclaimer

This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I am not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from any psychological or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

dear gabby #132 Apr 21, 2023 spiritual connection 29 min

how to be less judgmental—towards yourself and others

Listen on:

The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

Hi there, Gabby here.

This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I’m not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from a psychological or medical condition, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

April is alcohol awareness month, and this is very meaningful to me. If you know me, you know that I’m about 17 and a half years sober at this point, and if it were not for my sober recovery, I don’t know where I would be. I definitely would not be here speaking with you, Dear Gabby-ing you, supporting you in this way.

And throughout my sobriety, I’ve had the real privilege of being able to be in the service of others and work with dozens of organizations and share my own journey and my own experience of sobriety. And most recently, I joined the board of a organization called McCall Behavioral Health Network. With over 50 years of experience treating substance use and mental health disorders, they truly and deeply understand the path of substance use as a coping mechanism for unresolved pain.

And that’s why I am so thrilled to be working with this organization to support them, to help them show up for others. 17.6 million people or one in every 12 adults suffer from alcohol use disorder, and more than half of all adults have a family history of problem drinking. Alcohol use is on the rise, especially among women, and that’s why I really wanna come out today and support McCall during this month.

McCall Behavioral Health Network is a nonprofit organization for individuals of all ages and families across Connecticut. And here’s the reason why I chose to be on the board at McCall. McCall supports everyone’s journey. Everyone that walks in the door will receive help and services—period. So that’s why I’m asking you to consider donating today.

You’ll be helping people transform their lives and giving hope to so many people who at one time or another have felt hopeless.

Go to deargabby.com/donate today. Make a contribution, even if it’s just a dollar. That dollar can go towards helping a human being transform their life. Remember, anyone that walks in their doors will receive services.

Thank you so much in advance for your support. Go to deargabby.com/donate to give today.

Hey there. Welcome to Dear Gabby. I’m your host, Gabby Bernstein, and if you landed here it is absolutely no accident. It means that you’re ready to feel good and manifest a life beyond your wildest dreams. Let’s get started.

Welcome back. We’ve been asking you guys about different topics and asking specific questions. So while I do my podcast, I’m gonna also begin to start incorporating some of your specific questions so that one, you can know you’re not alone and you can hear the voices of other members saying, Hey, this is my thing, and you could remember that you’re not alone in that.

And two, because it’s so much more interesting for me to just speak extemporaneously off the cuff about what the response may be to you. I’ve prepared some responses and some responses I’m just gonna wing it and see what comes through me and you know, it’s just a fun way to communicate. So let’s begin with I see oneness in all.

I felt like the best gift I could give you as it related to relationships was to dig into how we can begin to create more oneness in our relationships. And this could go for any kind of relationship, romantic or otherwise. So that’s where I wanna begin. And I really wanna start with a question from Michelle.

And Michelle said—it’s not even a question—it was like a demand. More forgiveness, please. This is the topic that she wanted me to address. And I thought that was perfect to begin with because if we want to recognize more oneness in others, we have to learn the practice of forgiveness. And so, before we can really even talk about forgiveness, though, we need to address the reason why we’ve been so unwilling to forgive, and that unwillingness begins to show up in our life as judgment—big time.

And judgment’s a topic I’m gonna continue to build upon because Judgment Detox is my most important book, and it’s the one that so many of you didn’t even finish, and it’s no judgment. No judgment. Haha. But there’s no judgment in that because it’s a really hard book to show up for. It’s a lot of work.

It’s a deep commitment. And if you’re somebody out there that who hasn’t actually finished Judgment Detox, my recommendation is start now by taking some of these new methods that I’m gonna share with you. And then if that’s inspiring, maybe pick up the book again this month and do those methods to help you get closer to that feeling of oneness.

Cuz I believe that judgment is the root cause of all of our problems. I think it’s the pettiest disagreement to the most catastrophic world events—judgment’s behind it. And our belief that we’re separate from other people leads us into that behavior of gossip and judgment and bullying and attacking, and it creates a lot of division in our mind and in our world.

And so, healing judgment is extremely urgent right now. Not just for our own wellbeing and our happiness, but it’s urgent in the world as we can see with the crisis that we’ve been in. So the world is really needing a lot more light workers like you, healers, people on a spiritual path that are waking up. And they’re needing you to wake up to heal your own judgment so that you can create that ripple effect in the world and radiate that energy far beyond what you thought you could even imagine.

And you’re capable of so much more than you can even imagine when you’re on a spiritual path. You start to awaken to what an impact you are actually making just by bringing a different energy to your day. So to begin that journey towards forgiveness, but beginning with judgment and restoring ourselves back to love, we have to recognize that we all have the same problem and the same solution.

So our problem is that we separated from love. The solution is to return to love. And so that might be like, oh, Gabby, like, that sounds nice, but what the hell are you talking about? Separation from love can begin as early as infancy. So I wanna really describe what that separation means. A baby can be born into a hostile environment that leaves them feeling neglected.

And so let’s say that child’s been neglected and they’ve felt unprotected and unsafe in the world. Or some other forms of separation could be the child notices that they’re being treated differently because of their race, or their religion or their gender. I’ve also seen this in many instances where there’s this sense of oneness taken away from them when they start to see their parents’ division and divisiveness and they pick up on that.

So, how can we return to love when we’ve had that form of separation as a child? Because it’s important to recognize for yourself, was there a moment in time when you felt separate or was there a reoccurring experience that made you feel separate? Something that’ve been coming up with a lot lately is my brother’s been looking to buy a house in the town that we grew up in, and he sent me the listing of our house. I moved outta that town when I was 17. I never went back.

And he sent me the listing to the house and I looked at it and I thought to myself, oh my God, I felt so alone and separate there. I didn’t feel good enough because my house wasn’t as nice as people or because my mom lived in an apartment and my parents were divorced and I was living in this fancy town and I was not, and my family was broke, and it just started to bring me back to all those stories of separation, stories that still linger today.

You know, when I’m around a certain kind of person, they can trigger the feeling of me feeling not good enough because I don’t have that education or I don’t have that upbringing. It’s so crazy how it can still linger, and it’s just a form of separation. And so, how do we return to love? How do we begin to heal this?

And I believe that all these issues must be brought to spirit for healing. And without a spiritual intervention, we’re gonna stay stuck in that judgment cycle. Because we call on a spiritual relationship of our own understanding to replace those fear-based judgments. And when we don’t, we just become more obsessed with the judgment and we become more stuck in the belief system that we are that person that we have been judging, that when we judge ourselves, we believe that’s who we are.

And so, when we surrender our issues to a power greater than ourselves, a divine order begins to unfold. And it really doesn’t matter whether you believe in God/spirit/energy/universe. You wouldn’t be listening to me right now if you didn’t have some inkling of recognition that there was a higher power.

So let’s just be real about that. But as long as you have a desire to be free from judgment and forgive, truly forgive and recognizing that that forgiveness is actually the greatest freedom that you could ever ask for, then a spiritual connection is all you need to begin. So you’ve already started cuz you’re listening.

[AD BREAK]

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All right, my friends, here is the deal. If you’ve listened to this show or read any of my books, or you’ve seen me speaking live on stage, you’ve heard me say this, the universe always delivers. Every single thought you have is a message that you send out to the universe, and the universe is always, always responding to your thoughts, responding to your energy and to your emotions.

So it’s pretty straightforward. What you put out to the universe, always gonna receive it back, and that’s whether you want it or not. That’s why it’s so important to pay close attention to the energy you’re putting out. That’s why it’s so important to pay close attention to the energy that you’re putting out and learn how to raise your energetic vibration when it’s low-vibe.

So Gabby, you ask, how do I raise my vibration? You, meditate. Plain and simple. When you meditate, you can align your energy with the universe and you can effortlessly attract your desires. Meditation is the secret sauce, and do you know what? You can start right now. I am hooking you up with two of my favorite meditations.

For free to access these meditations, head over to deargabby.com/freemeditations. Again, that’s deargabby.com/freemeditations; the universe is already delivering. Enjoy.

[END AD BREAK]

So one of the most powerful ways to really let that spiritual connection come in and is gonna be through prayer instead of asking Spirit to help us return our thoughts back to love. The secret to prayer is to actually forget what we think we need and surrender to what the spiritual guidance has in store for us.

You got me, people? I really hope you can write that down. The secret to prayer is to forget what you think you need and instead surrender to what spiritual guidance has for us. What’s in store? What would you have me do? And Nancy from the Miracle Membership wrote in and she said, how do I deal with betrayal by friends?

And I forgive? Yes, but then what? After the trust is gone, what do I do after that trust is gone? And so the answer is, pray for forgiveness, Nancy, because you don’t have to figure out how to forgive or what to do next. You can actually just follow through prayer. I have a prayer for you today that you can begin to use as the turnover, the surrender, the way of choosing, again, to allow yourself to not have to figure it out.

So she said, her words were, how do you deal with betrayal? And she goes, forgive, yes. But what after? First of all, it’s not that easy to say forgive. Yes. Because many people don’t even understand what forgiveness means, and you don’t have to understand, and you don’t have to know how to forgive.

All you have to do is start with this prayer. This is the prayer that’s gonna open you up right now, and this prayer that I’m about to share with you is a prayer for surrender so that you can invite spiritual guidance in to lead and facilitate your forgiveness path. Doesn’t that sound nice? That you can actually let it go and let spirit guide you?

I’m gonna keep reminding you and reminding you, and reminding you, because the rest of your life is taking you away from that belief system, away from that belief system. So here I am, Gabby, back in your inbox, ready to play, press play, and be reminded.

And so, let’s begin by choosing a judgment right now that you’re holding onto or someone that you’ve been unwilling to forgive. Let’s just choose it right now. Write it down. Think it. And you can think to yourself that you’re ready to forgive. Just open up that willingness. Think that name out loud, write it down, whatever feels right, and close your eyes.

And let me say this prayer to you and don’t close your eyes if you’re driving, let me say this prayer to you if you’re not driving, close your eyes and just allow the prayer to permeate. Allow the prayer to move through you, relax you and guide you.

Dear Inner Guide, I need help with my judgment towards this person. I’m ready to surrender this now. I welcome in the presence of love to guide me to forgive, and lead me back to truth and grace.

I’m ready to release this judgment and see through the eyes of love. Take a breath. Feel that.

I am ready to release this judgment and see through the eyes of love. This is your prayer. This is your prayer.

All right, so this prayer is really perfect if you’re feeling stuck and resistant towards releasing judgment or forgiving somebody. So I want you to use it to enter into a new energetic state that’s gonna support you and guide you out of those attack thoughts. And this is a practice in letting go and allowing.

If this prayer resonates with you, then you can say it every day or turn it over. You can put it on your headphones and listen to it as you walk into work if you’re really, really struggling around letting go.

And this brings us to the next question, which is Lisa, and she says, how does one not let jealousy and fear of not measuring up against the best of oneself? I want to be happy for my best friends and how their lives have turned out, but I find myself jealous and resentful, and then all my negative self-talk starts up about what a loser I am.

First of all, Lisa, I love you. I hope you feel the support from the community. You are not a loser. You’re a human having a human experience and jealousy is part of that, and here’s a fast way out. Okay? So I think that sometimes the fastest way out of jealousy is to celebrate the light in others.

And when we celebrate that light in others, we actually become reconnected with our super attractor power because in the process of celebrating the light of somebody else, we’re actually reminding ourself that that light that we see in them is a reflection of our own light.

When we are jealous and we attack ourselves for not being there, we perpetuate the fear-based ego belief system that we’re separate. The way that we return to love is to celebrate the light in them and recognize unconsciously or consciously, that is the light within me. So there’s this message from Dr. Wayne Dyer, who I will continuously invite into these recordings, and he says, see the light in others, and treat them as if that is all you see.

See the light in others, and treat them as if that is all you see. Woo. Thank you, Wayne. Thank you, Wayne. And so listen, we really wanna judge other people and we wanna judge ourselves by projecting those old experiences onto them or not feeling good enough, that feeling of separation. So when you practice seeing them in light, you begin to free them from those projections as well as the false beliefs that you’re separate from them.

Instead of seeing another person through the lens of the past, you’ll begin to see them and really see them in light. You can see people also that trigger you as somebody that’s triggering a part of you, that’s that is longing for more love. And so, sometimes when you see people that are struggling, but that triggers you, it’s a really interesting reminder of what you’re still struggling with.

Interesting. I had this really interesting thing happen on my instagram feed the other day I talked about how we have to really begin to honor our shame, and the image said I am a shame shifter. And I talked about how we can all become shame shifters by honoring our own shame and asking other people what they’re going through and listening to them.

And it was a really beautiful post. I feel so good about it and some woman got on and started going after me for just a second. She said, I don’t really like this concept of shame shifter. It’s another kitchy phrase. And I couldn’t even read the post because it triggered me so much.

And I really lovingly honored her because when you’re standing in the truth of what you’ve created, you don’t get triggered by other people’s negativity because I know that this is so good, and it is the pursuit of love and service.

And you know, she sort of was implying that like I was doing it for attention. No, that’s not true. I don’t need attention. I’m good, I’m good. I don’t need attention. I just want to serve. So I wrote back to her really lovingly and I said, I’m sorry that this was triggering for you, but this is not the truth, straight up.

I was like, I am super grounded and aligned in this message. Nothing about this is trying to get attention. I don’t need attention. I just want to serve. And it’s not just the words that came through to her, it was the stance that I’m in, the strength that I’m in. And she wrote back and she said, “You’re right. I think I’m triggered by the fact that you are confident and comfortable with facing this shame.”

I’m not using her exact words, but she was owning up. Right? And of course, all the Super Attractors and Spirit Junkies out there started pounding on her. And I said, everybody back off of her. Let’s love her. Okay?

And she continued on and she’s like, Gabby, what do you think is within me that was so triggered? And it’s just that when we see that trigger show up for us, it can be because somebody’s wound is triggering our wound. Or it could be that somebody’s light and confidence is triggering our lack of that and our fear that we don’t have that.

So I just reminded her that she has been guided to, to me, to whatever it is that was about me, that was a guide for her. And so that is a reflection of who she is. And so instead of this becoming a fight online, it became a beautiful moment of her recognizing herself in me and vice versa, seeing my innocence in her.

[AD BREAK]

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[END AD BREAK]

So we really start to heal our judgments when we start to see that person through that lens of love. And when we start to accept that these people that trigger us are actually our teachers, they’re our teachers.

And you know, a lot of people just wanna be like, whoa, they’re not my teachers, but they are.

And these are teachers in the classroom of your life. And let us look at our situations differently and have

the willingness to stop dragging the past into the present or our wounds into every situation. And instead, practice these principles, pray, choose again. And so, there’s a lesson in exercise from Judgment Detox that’s gonna really help you.

Old school, Gabby-style exercise. Back in the day when I was 2008, maybe, I was coaching groups of women in my New York City apartment, and this practice is a really fun one because you feel your energy and mood shift moment by moment.

So all you do is silently say this prayer throughout the day as you see people, as you go into your office, as you come home at night to your spouse: the light in you is all I see.

That beautiful line from Wayne. And saying this prayer is going to instantly shift your perspective. And every time you say it, you’re gonna begin to see the world differently. And so, here’s how it works. You’re gonna go about your day, paying attention to the thoughts that you have about other people.

Notice whenever you make a judgment, witness that judgment without judgment as we do in Judgment Detox. Witness your judgment without judgment. And the moment that you witness your judgmental nature, you’re gonna say this prayer, the light in you is all I see.

Recognizing that the light in you is all I see, which really means that that light is also in me. And so, I want you to go through your life saying, the light in you is all I see.

Jane asked me, how do we deal with negative and passive aggressive people in the workplace when you need to work with them or manage them? So this practice is for Jane. And everybody else listening, but you can do this with someone who’s challenging you, and you go into your office before you show up and you would say, the light in you is all I see. The light in you is all I see.

You can do this with a coworker who’s getting on your nerves or a family member or a lover. This seems subtle, but it’s a very profound shift. And so when I had those group coaching groups in my apartment, I would send them off into the subway and say that affirmation over and over throughout their life, throughout their day, very casually, and the conversation starts the shift.

So when you say that mental conversation to yourself, I recognize the light in you. That’s a really a different energy that you’re beginning to move into. And it’s gonna be a smooth ride. You’re gonna feel good with this. Use the Wayne quote, the light in you as all I see. And it’s not being about perfect. It’s not gonna be a perfect process.

It’s gonna transform your relationships. This is gonna close with this most important and powerful step in returning to love and forgiveness. Listen, a lot of us have a tendency to see forgiveness as being up there in the realm of saints, right? Like, how could I forgive? We admire people who have forgiven others for terrible crimes.

I can’t remember who it was, the officer who shot the man in his house, but she thought it was in her house. When she was sentenced to 10 years or something, the brother of the man who was murdered looked at the judge and said, can I hug her? Ugh, what a major moment for the world. He hugged her and he forgave her.

And so even though that’s not our tendency, it’s also a blessing to ourselves. And we forget that. It can be really hard to imagine ourselves getting to a place where we can forgive someone. In this case, this man is forgiving the woman who killed his brother. All right? So we gotta take these examples and really use them.

And it’s important to remember that forgiveness is a blessing for you. So when you’re stuck in that place, I’m just taking a breath cuz it’s so deeply moving to me. And so when you’re stuck in that judgment or lack of forgiveness, no matter how justified you feel in it, you’re also stuck in a really low level vibration.

You’re out of alignment with your super attractor power. You’re attracting more negativity into your life and that desire to forgive will free your energy field. So I really can’t stress this enough. Forgiveness offers you freedom from the bondage of judgment and hate.

And forgiveness doesn’t mean that you stay silent about injustices. It means that you are allowing yourself to be guided, to speak up for yourself and others, but with forgiveness as the backbone. And the key is to take spiritually-aligned action to show up from a place of true power and operating from a place of love. And so, you begin by recognizing that it is your desire to let go and release, and you can see someone in the light without having them in your life, so you don’t actually have to stick around to forgive.

Ultimately, forgiving somebody frees you from the burden of judging them. Can you get that? Forgiving doesn’t mean that you let somebody off the hook for seriously hurting you, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you have to have this person in your life anymore, but you do have to extend energy of love and dissolve that energy of judgment.

And you can do this through the prayer that I gave you and through that commitment. And so, you can really recognize that when people are triggering you, they’re triggering a part of you that is not healed. And when you wanna recognize the oneness in others, the path of forgiveness is the fastest way there.

And so, become willing to forgive. Say that prayer or say a prayer, and then just go about your day, be patient, relax, see what happens. Do nothing and let the universe show you what to do. That’s how you forgive. Through forgiveness, you will recognize the oneness in all. Sat nam.

If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you’re truly committed to miracles. I’m really proud of you. If you wanna get more Gabby, tune in every Monday for a new episode.

Make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss any of the guidance or special bonus episodes. Your experience at this show means a lot to me, so I really wanna welcome you to leave an honest review and you can follow me on social media at @GabbyBernstein.

And if you wanna get in on the action, sign up for a chance to be Dear Gabby’d live at deargabby.com. See you next week.

Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.