The topic of how to heal relationships is a BIG one … especially now.
As we prepare to get back into the world after COVID, I’m getting so many relationship questions from Dear Gabby listeners. And these are big, beautiful questions that I’m proud to say ….
I can now answer!
For the past several years, I’ve done deep work that’s really taught me how to heal relationships. Through therapeutic and spiritual spiritual practices, I’ve learned to chip away at old patterns that kept me stuck in undesirable relationships and uncomfortable dynamics.
But today, I’m proud to say that I’ve attracted the healthiest, most fulfilling relationships of my life. I’ve completely transformed the way I relate to others. I’m calmer, more confident, and more connected as a wife, as a friend, as a boss, as a daughter AND as a spiritual teacher.
And I’m PSYCHED to share everything I’ve learned with you … starting in today’s episode of Dear Gabby and continuing with my BRAND NEW Relationship Challenge.
The Relationship Challenge
As I’ve mentioned, SO many people have asked me about relationships lately. Whether they want to heal their relationship with their parents, feel more confident interacting with their colleagues at work or attract a romantic partner, everyone has some variation of this question:
How can I manifest more love and connection?
Well, this is how!
After listening to your inquiries for years—and healing my own relationships using transformational techniques that I’m finally ready to share—I designed a NEW 14-Day Relationship Challenge that starts October 1!
This is going to be MAJOR. For 14 days I’ll guide you to open your heart, release any blocks that are holding you back in relationships … and become a MAGNET for love and connection.
If any of these ? sound familiar, then THIS CHALLENGE FOR YOU.
>>> You want to feel more confident in all your relationships.
>>> You want to speak up for yourself with ease—at work, with your family and with your romantic partner.
>>> You want to be more accepting and less judgmental of the people in your life.
>>> You want to attract friends that inspire you and let you be YOU!
>>> You want to finally understand why you keep repeating the same relationship patterns over and over again.
I can help you with ALL of this ^^ and more … because I’ve struggled with the same issues. Annnd I’ve overcome every one of them, using the same spiritual and therapeutic techniques that I will share with you inside the Relationship Challenge.
Here’s what you can expect from the challenge:
- Healing meditations to release insecurity and judgment so you can feel more confident in relationships
- Spiritual exercises to learn how to honor your feelings and improve communication
- Proven techniques to create healthy boundaries and protect your energy
- Gentle methods to ease anxiety and develop deeper levels of trust and acceptance
- A LIVE Relationship Q&A Workshop with me on October 14 at 1 PM/ET
I really hope you’ll join me. I want to be your relationship coach!
How to Heal Relationships
While you wait for the Relationship Challenge to begin, you can get some instant relationship tips on Dear Gabby today.
The morning before I recorded today’s episode, the Instagram questions were pouring in.
“GABBYYYY!” my podcast producer, Sam, yelled, “your followers are sending in the bessssst questions.”
“What do they want to know?” I asked.
Sam shook her head. “Nope! I’m not telling you yet,” she said. “I’ll read the questions to you in the studio, and you can answer them live!”
Your Top Relationship Questions
Well, I did just that! I channeled my inner relationship coach and didn’t hold anything back. In this episode, you’ll learn:
- How to deepen your connection with friends in a post-COVID world
- What to do when you feel left out of social plans (this can be awkward … but there’s an easy spiritual solution!)
- How to rebuild trust in a relationship after you’ve been lied to
- Why you’re getting conflicting signs from the Universe when you’re trying to manifest a relationship
- The #1 secret to attracting the romance you want
By listening to Dear Gabby today, you’re giving yourself permission to open your heart and your mind to the patterns that are holding you back from attracting the relationships you long for.
If you want more support beyond today’s podcast, I would love to be your relationship coach! If you feel called, click here to sign up for the Relationship Challenge.
Get More Gabby
The following are helpful resources and books I mention in the episode.
Want more relationship support beyond today’s episode of Dear Gabby? BIG news: … I can be your relationship coach with my NEW Relationship Challenge that starts on October 1. Join now to feel calm, confident and connected in all your relationships!
To take my FREE Attachment Style Quiz, click here. In just two minutes, you can get your personalized path to successful relationships.
These episodes of Dear Gabby will go even deeper in teaching you how to heal relationships:
My latest book, Happy Days: The Guided Path from Trauma to Profound Freedom and Inner Peace, will help you heal shame, and open your heart to forgiveness.
Click here for a list of safety, recovery and mental health resources.
This podcast is intended to educate, inspire and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I am not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from any psychological or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified health professional.
The following podcast is a Dear Media production.
Hi there, Gabby here. This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey toward inner peace. I’m not a psychologist or a medical doctor a...
The following podcast is a Dear Media production.
Hi there, Gabby here. This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey toward inner peace. I’m not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from a psychological or medical condition, please seek help from a qualified health professional.
Hey there. Welcome to Dear Gabby. I’m your host Gabby Bernstein. And if you landed here, it is absolutely no accident. It means that you’re ready to feel good and manifest a life beyond your wildest dreams. Let’s get started.
Welcome back to Dear Gabby, my friends. Welcome back. Welcome back. I have a topic today that is a topic I’m hitting really directly at this moment right here. Right now. It’s the topic of relationships. We all struggle in relationships. It doesn’t matter what your history is. Good bad, difficult, traumatic. It doesn’t matter.
GABBY: We all individually struggle in relationships in some way, shape or form. Sometimes relationships with our loved ones, sometimes relationships with our family members, our partners, people we date, our friends, our children—relationships are the core throughline throughout our lives. And today’s episode is designed to really give you some of my best relationship advice, not just romantic relationship advice—though that’s definitely coming through—but to give you some of my best relationship advice through candid questions from my audience.
So we went on my Instagram. We posted randomly this morning: Who’s got questions about relationships? So Sam’s in the house today. I’ve never heard any of these questions. She’s gonna read them out loud to me.
And this is beautiful because not only are these questions really timely for us as individuals, we’re all trying to get back into the world in different ways and feel safe and comfortable. Get back into connection with one another. But this is also a big moment for me and my work because I’ve witnessed so many people struggling in relationships, particularly post-COVID.
I’ve seen people struggle to feel connected. I’ve seen people changing their perception of how they wanna be in relationships and I’ve seen people changing their perception of how they wanna be in relationships. So I decided to create my first-ever relationship challenge. It’s a 14-day challenge that takes you through all of the most crucial steps that you can tap into spiritual practices, therapeutic practices, guidance, coaching on how you can get aligned with the part of you that is confident, calm and connected and safe in relationships.
That’s a big word there. Safety. When we feel unsafe and unsettled in our relationships, we often act out. We often try to protect ourselves. We do a lot of funky behavior. So if you really want more support beyond today’s episode, head over to deargabby.com/relationship, that will be the game-changing moment for you.
It’s a 14-day relationship challenge. I’ll be your relationship coach for two weeks, guiding you every step of the way. Go to deargabby.com/relationship. The details are also in the show notes.
So before we bring Sam in to start asking the questions, I just wanna share that anything that comes out of my mouth today will be something that I’ve applied in my own relationships. That’s always how I teach. I teach from my own seat of truth. So my intention now is to take these random questions that came in through Instagram. I have not seen them. I never see them as you know, everybody that comes on this show just comes on randomly.
And I’m, I’m gonna just riff with Sam and just give you guys my, my relationship advice. So Sammy what’s going down or do we get a lot of question?
SAM: We got a ton of questions, Gabby.
GABBY: Oh boy. Okay, here we go. You filtered them a bit.
SAM: I filtered them a bit. Um, but we’ve got a lot of good ones in here that I know a lot of people are wanting to ask you.
GABBY: Bring it on.
SAM: First question. How can I deepen my connection with friends?
GABBY: Ah, I love this question. How can I deepen my connection with friends? This is such an important topic right now, given that a lot of us have changed friends in the last three years, we’ve adjusted the way that we relate to people we’ve adjusted the way that we connect to people.
And so I think that right now, I would begin by really identifying what qualities you desire most in the people that you are closest to. Because if you start by being picky, truly picky about the kind of energy you wanna mingle with, it’s a mingling because when you are with other people’s energy, their energy drips onto you.
Your energy gets picked up by them. Of course, we always wanna be clearing our own energy field, but. When it comes to relationships, you wanna be picky about the energy that you mingle with, because if you want strong connection, you wanna make sure that you feel good in the presence of that friend. So check out your friend list right now.
Look at the people that you connect to, whether it’s at work, whether it’s socially, whatever it might be and ask yourself, does it feel good to be in their presence? Do they elevate my energy? Do they inspire me? Is it joyful? If the answer’s no, then you might wanna take a really good audit of the types of choices you’ve been making.
But I think that that clarity, that clear awareness and desire of, you know, what their vibe is not meshing with me. It’s not elevating me. I’m not feeling good in their presence. For me, I come off as somebody who has lots of friends and I do, I have lots of friends in the world and I have lots of people I care about, but I have a small core group of best, best friends.
And I keep ’em close. I keep ’em very, very, very tight-knit group. And these friends are like family to me. They’re like sisters to me. At any point in time, if there’s any kind of rift, we just get right to it and clean it up. And I think that’s because I’ve been really picky about who I decide to be close to and that pickiness isn’t, it’s not, it’s not judgment at all.
It’s just choice. It’s just choice. What feels good in my system? Who makes me feel safe and who makes me feel secure and who makes me feel as though I’m being seen and truly I can trust them? So I think that is an important opportunity to take a good audit of the friend group that you have. And ask yourself, how do they make me feel?
If you notice that their energy isn’t meshing well with you, it’s not elevating you. It’s an opportunity to do some work on it. So you can definitely join me for the relationship challenge. And that will give you a lot of grace.
Now for a quick ad break from our sponsor Calm. This episode is all about relationships as you know, and one thing that has been really, really major in supporting my relationships is meditation. And I mean that with all of my heart. Because when I meditate, I actually bring more of that self-energy, that positive energy to my connections and that deepening of connection is what’s most valued in my life. When I feel safe and connected to my relationships and calm, I know that I can really thrive in other areas.
And that’s why I’m really proud to partner with Calm—the number one mental wellness app. Calm gives you the tools to improve the way you feel with guided meditations, daily movement sessions, which is awesome. And even imaginative sleep stories, both for kids and adults.
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GABBY: Next one, Sammy.
SAM: The next question is about a family relationship. One of your Instagram followers asked what do I do when my two sisters leave me outta plans, but they include other friends.
GABBY: Well, I think this goes for anyone. When you feel left out, when you feel disappointed, when you feel there’s some kind of injustice in a relationship, you wanna give yourself the chance to have the courage to speak up and ask for what you need.
I say that very nonchalantly, but it’s not that easy. It’s not always that easy. There’s a process of getting grounded in your own sense of inner safety because when you feel safe, then you can say anything. So I would recommend that you definitely bring this up to your sisters. But not in a triggered way, not in a blaming, shaming, judgemental way.
I would recommend that any truth that you bring to a friend, a partner, any relationship has to come from this seat of self-compassion, a seat of clarity. Has to come from this feeling of safety. So you may wanna listen to an episode of Dear Gabby. You can also go back and listen to episode 75 on Boundaries.
If you listen to that episode, it gives you the four-step process to creating boundaries. And that is exactly what I think you might wanna rock out with this specific issue because it’s about telling the truth, but not telling the truth with an attitude, not telling the truth from a triggered place, telling the truth from a place of confidence and calm.
And a place that’s loving truly. So go back and listen to that episode. You can also do some meditations with me and just get grounded before you tell the truth.
SAM: The next question, I know so many people wanna know the answer to. The question is, is it possible to get conflicting signs from the universe around a relationship you’re manifesting?
GABBY: So if you’re getting conflicting signs, it’s because you’re manic, manifesting, period. End of story. You are looking too hard for the signs. So I’d stop actually looking for a sign altogether. At this point in time, I would take a step back. I would actually go right now, don’t walk, run to your computer, go to deargabby.com/relationship. Sign up for the relationship challenge because if you’re in that place of manic manifesting, you’re controlling.
So the secret to attracting the romance that you want is to clean up your side of the street. It’s to get into a place of joy; it’s to elevate your own energy; it’s to bring forth that goodness within you. And that’s when you become a super attractor. It’s not about, did I get my sign or am I putting it on my vision board?
It’s about how do you feel. What’s the energy you put out? That’s what matters most. So go do the Relationship Challenge. I’m screaming it but go do the Relationship Challenge. Get into an energy of abundance and joy and excitement and freedom. And in that space, you become a magnet for what it is that you long for in that relationship.
We often think that that relationship will complete us. It’s quite the opposite. It’s when we feel good, we will be a magnet for a partner that it matches that goodness. So stop trying to control it. Stop trying to make it happen, trying to, to play tricks with the universe and let that love come through as a magnet back to you.
SAM: Can I just say that I’m personally very excited for the Relationship Challenge?
GABBY: Girlfriend, I know.
SAM: Cannot wait to do it.
GABBY: And we made it. It’s beautiful. It’s so beautiful.
SAM: It’s beautiful. Next question. How to rebuild trust in a relationship after being lied to?
GABBY: Wow. What a good question.
So this is about how to rebuild trust after you’ve been lied to in a relationship. Well, I do believe in forgiveness and that forgiveness is one step, but the trust is next level. So trust is about you staying connected to what your non-negotiables are. So when you are in a grounded place where you have identified that lying is non-negotiable.
If there’s lying, it’s not gonna work for me. And you wanna give somebody a second chance. You have to be really clear with that boundary. You have to be really direct. You have to be really clear. You have to be really grounded in it for yourself because some people have patterns that are not so great and they can be repeated.
If you wanna stay in connection and relationship with someone who’s breached your trust. No problem. I think that’s absolutely correct. Give that person, grace, practice forgiveness, give yourself the opportunity to see what could be new. I’ve seen that happen over and over again, where relationships come back stronger after having some mistrust. So I don’t think it’s impossible by any measure. But what I do think is really important and mandatory is that you create a clear boundary. And that you are very, very, very grounded for yourself in your own commitment to truth.
If you assume the energy of I’m committed to truth, I am aligned with being very, very clear about that. This is important though. If the person does, once again, breach your trust, what will happen is it will be far less disappointing when you’ve created that boundary. And in that place of that boundary, you’ll be able to cut the cord and say, I am gonna love you and let you go because this isn’t working for me anymore.
The more clear you are about your boundaries, the, the greater the message is to the other person, the less of a match you are for that kind of mistrust, but also the easier it is to walk away if, and when that trust is compromised in the future.
SAM: All right. The next question, how can I forgive my mom for the trauma that she caused me that she isn’t sorry for?
GABBY: This is a big one, a really big one. Well, I’d like to find out who this person is and write back to them on Instagram and send them a copy of Happy Days, The guided path from trauma to profound freedom and inner peace, my latest book, because I really think that the forgiveness has to happen through your own personal healing of the trauma.
If you aren’t in a place that’s healthy and healed and relieved that you’ve come through the trauma that you’ve done the work on yourself, and this is a work in progress it’s not ever really done, but that you feel safer in your nervous system, then it will be really hard for you to access that connection to forgiveness.
That connection to forgiveness when someone has done something harmful to you, often has to come from a place of compassion, but the only way to access that compassion is to do the heavy lifting, is to really begin to have that compassion for yourself, for the parts of yourself that were traumatized, particularly by a parent figure—someone that was an attachment figure and how disappointing and harmful that was.
But typically what happens for the child or the individual in that situation is that they take on the shame. You have to do your work to heal that shame. And then from that place, you can begin to open your heart to forgiveness, but the first step starts with you. So I’m gonna send this person Happy Days. I think we need to get it to them.
SAM: I love that idea. I know that’s gonna serve them.
GABBY: Now for a quick ad break from one of our sponsors. this is a product that I wanna shout from the rooftops. It’s a product that I absolutely adore. I use it daily and it’s something I just I’m so grateful has come into my life. And this is SuperYou by Moon Juice, the daily stress care routine that stops stress before it starts: SuperYou.
I mean, perfectly named is made with four potent adaptogens and as someone who has suffered from anxiety, absolutely rely on adaptogens for calming my nervous system. So here’s what’s in it. Ashwagandha, rhodiola, shatavari and amla. These help alleviate the emotional, mental, hormonal, physical manifestations of stress.
And if you know me at all, you know, I love ashwagandha. I talk about it a lot. it really regulates my cortisol levels and really just puts me into this peaceful state, especially in the afternoon when I feel really jittery. I love taking SuperYou, but what I love about SuperYou most is that it has these three additional adaptogens in there that address long-term effects of chronic stress.
And I’m really caring for myself now, as I’m in my forties, I really can see the changes that happen in my brain, in my body. And I wanna just take it to the next level. So SuperYou has been clinically shown to help reduce fatigue, boost energy and mood, enhance focus and control stress-related weight gain.
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Bioavailable, which essentially means that they are superior quality for superior results. This is real deal stuff, guys. And every single morning, I take two capsules with a glass of water and I immediately feel a difference. I’m calmer, I’m nicer. I’m more focused. I have more energy again. I can take it in the afternoon as well.
And if you are someone who takes a daily probiotic for your gut and sits down to meditate and you like to eat healthfully, then add this in, people. Take SuperYou and really take care of your stress. Two caps a day keeps the stress away friends to grab yours, head over to moonjuice.com/gabby and use code Gabby at checkout for 20% off. Two caps a day keeps the stress away, friends; to grab yours, head to moonjuice.com/gabby and use code Gabby at checkout for 20% off.
SAM: The next question is I’m 36 and still single. I feel like I’m never gonna find my person. What should I do?
GABBY: 36 and still single. First of all, just take a breath. Many of my friends have found their first person in their forties or their second person in their forties, whatever it is. Take a deep breath because to manifest that relationship, you really want to be in a faithful place.
When we lack faith in our desires, we send the universe energy that kind of looks mucky. It looks stagnant or static. It’s sending out a message that you’re scared or that you’re unworthy. And so the work truly is getting yourself to a place where you are the best partner you could be in the relationship that you attract next.
The more you show up for your inner well-being so that you can be a kick-ass partner in a relationship. The closer you’ll get to attracting the partner that you long for. Also, the more you clean up your side of the street, the less likely you’ll be to attract somebody that’s not good for you because you’ll have worked on some of your stuff so that you’re no longer a match for people that don’t feel good.
So I would say, get to work, do the work on yourself, really get yourself to become the partner that you want to attract. That’s my message to this person.
SAM: Next question. How do I deal with my partner’s avoidant attachment? When I have an anxious attachment style?
GABBY: I love this question. Okay. So. A while back, we did a whole episode on attachment styles, which you can go back and listen to.
And I also have the free attachment quiz if you’re hearing this language, and this is new to you, your attachment style is your relationship style. It’s how you show up in relationships. And I created a whole quiz at deargabby.com/attachment. It’s totally free. It’s this great quiz that allows you to just take a bunch of questions and gives you results.
And there’s three different results. There’s the anxious attachment style. There’s the avoidant attachment style. And there’s the secure attachment style. Secure are those folks that are super confident in relationships. Anxious are the ones that are clinging for dear life. Like stick around. Don’t leave me.
And the avoidant attachment style is the one where they do not want that neediness or that clinginess and they kind of run for the hills. This person, typically this happens where an anxiously attached person finds their way into an avoidant attachment-style relationship. So they’ve got the avoidant attached person in the relationship with the anxious attached person, and it creates a lot of chaos.
So if you’re the person who’s in that anxious state, I definitely want you to take the quiz, learn more about your attachment style. But what I would really recommend is that you do whatever you can to help yourself feel safe, because what you’re longing for most in your avoidant attached partner is a sense of safety.
And for you safety means that the partner sticks around. Safety means I’m not complete without that person. The work really when you’re anxiously attached is to access safety from within yourself. Because when you start to garner that sense of safety, you feel less reliant on others to be your savior.
So that safety can come in through a community like a yoga community, or if you happen to be in any kind of 12-step recovery, or it can come through in a spiritual community. That safety can come through in your meditation, that safety can come through when you read a book like Happy Days. That safety can come through, when you do something like the relationship challenge with me, you can get a greater sense of safety with the lessons that I’ll teach you.
So the reason I bring up the word safety is if you don’t heal the parts of yourself that are so anxious and so afraid, then all attachment styles are gonna trigger you, particularly the avoidant attachment style, which is this person that this lovely woman has connected to. I also want you to just smile and just thank the avoidant attached boyfriend for being the perfect spiritual assignment for you.
Because when you attach to your opposite and you are triggered in all ways, and you feel super uncomfortable, that’s often your opportunity. That’s your moment to let that discomfort reveal to you what it is that you need to heal. I’m revealing it to you now telling you there’s a lack of safety in your system.
And it’s a time now to let the discomfort of that relationship, be the catalyst for what can be your greatest change. I genuinely believe that all relationships are assignments and when we show up for them, we have growth opportunities. When we show up for those assignments, we can learn, we can grow, we can become new.
When we avoid those assignments, we wind up attracting the same partner over and over again, just in a different body. We wind up feeling as though we’re a hamster in a wheel because we haven’t shown up for the discomfort. We ignore it. We push past it. We go to addictive patterns. We stay stuck in the wrong relationships, but when you show up for yourself in the midst of that discomfort, that’s when you can change your energy, change your belief systems about yourself, and that’s the only way to change your relationships.
That’s exactly what I wanna do with you. I wanna take you on a 14-day journey with me. I wanna be your relationship coach. I wanna show you step by step, take you by the hand, and give you a deep dive into what it takes to adjust your energy and your belief systems so that you can feel new. So that you can feel good.
The relationship challenge isn’t about making somebody else be who you want them to be. It’s about helping you step into who you want to be, so that you can be a super attractor to bring that kind of relationship into your own life, in whatever form that comes, whether it be a lover, whether it be a father, a mother, a sister, a brother, a friend, a child.
The energy that we show up with is going to be reflected back to us. So if you wanna start to address that energy and change it, I welcome you to join me at deargabby.com/relationship. And join me for this challenge. I wanna be your coach.
So to wrap up today’s episode, I think that it’s very valuable for you to recognize that healing your relationships is always gonna come back to you.
Doesn’t mean that the relationship lasts. It doesn’t mean that you stick around because sometimes what happens is the more you heal, the more you realize how misaligned your connections can be. That’s no shame or blame or judgment on the other person. Merely it’s just a beautiful opportunity to say to yourself, Hey, this isn’t flowing for me anymore.
This person isn’t resonating with me anymore. I’m ready to feel different, ready to feel new. So give yourself permission right now to open your heart and open your mind to the patterns and the attachment style and the belief systems that are holding you back from really being the person that you want to attract in your relationships.
I hope to be your relationship coach, and I hope today’s episode really set you up for it. Thank you for joining me today on Dear Gabby.
If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you’re truly committed to miracles. I’m really proud of you. If you wanna get more Gabby, tune in every Monday for a new episode. Make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss any of the guidance or special bonus episodes. Your experience at this show means a lot to me.
So I really wanna welcome you to leave an honest review and you can follow me on social media at @GabbyBernstein. And if you wanna get in on the action, sign up for a chance to be Dear Gabby’d live at deargabby.com. See you next week.
Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services.
Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.