My Dear Gabby listeners were BEGGING for more! After my first podcast on how to set boundaries in a relationship, they wanted to keep the conversation going.
I’m so proud of this community for wanting to dive in deep here, because setting boundaries is one of the most spiritual acts of self-care.
But many of us don’t really know how to set boundaries in a relationship without feeling guilty or low-vibe.
Listen, I can relate! Just recently I had an incident with a friend. She did something that triggered me in a major way. Before I confronted her, I really had to take myself through the practice that I share on today’s Dear Gabby.
I practice what I preach, people! And I was ultimately able to salvage a friendship that frankly wouldn’t have survived if I didn’t have this spiritual tool.
How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship
So on today’s podcast, I’m going to share that tool with you. You’ll learn the one thing you need to do before you even CONSIDER setting boundaries with someone …
And that is to center into your heart space and really get to know the part of you that is hesitant to set boundaries.
If this sounds pretty heady, don’t sweat it. On today’s podcast I’ll help you connect to your heart through a gorgeous guided exercise that you can return to again and again.
You’ll also hear me workshop this technique with people live.
Annnd there’s more. In this episode you’ll learn:
- The #1 reason we’re afraid to speak up for ourselves—and how to put that fear to rest
- How to set boundaries in a relationship, and why doing so makes you irresistibly SEXY (seriously!)
- Why boundaries work to make relationships closer … NOT more distant
- A next-level version of my fave heart hold meditation (this will hook you up with a HUGE dose of self-love)
- A morning ritual that will help you care for the parts of yourself that are hurting and in need of love
- PLUS a career tip that will help you attract your dream clients
A Morning Ritual for Deepening Relationships
When we feel a bit lost about how to set boundaries in relationships, we need to give ourselves time and grace.
One of the callers on today’s Dear Gabby was feeling a lot of hurt in an intimate business relationship. I told her not to make any sudden changes in this relationship.
Instead, I gave her a gentle, soothing exercise she can do every morning for 30 days, and I want to share it with you here.
If you want to clear up hurt in a relationship, here’s my assignment for you.
A Heart Hold
Every morning before you start your day, do a heart hold.
Simply place one hand on your heart and the other hand on your belly.
Tap into that part of you that’s feeling hurt, activated, or in any way triggered in your relationship. Gently and calmly get to know that part. Become curious about it.
Give that part of you space to speak up and breathe. Tap into a sense of compassion toward it.
For 30 days, just spend some time every morning sending love, compassion and curiosity to this triggered part of yourself.
This practice may sound simple, but its impact is profound.
If you allow yourself to become present with the part of you that hurts, put your awareness toward that part and just breathe into the feeling of hurt, you can lovingly tend to that part of yourself and dissolve your hurt.
Get to Know Yourself
I LOVE this episode of Dear Gabby because it embodies my intention for this podcast. Knowing how to set boundaries in a relationship is such an important spiritual and therapeutic practice, and I’m psyched to dive into this topic with you.
While I was recording, someone who was listening in via Zoom wrote this in the comments: “Gabby, this is like spiritual roadside assistance.”
That made me laugh out loud … it is so spot-on!
My intention for this show is to jumpstart your healing journey. I’m here to give you a Dear Gabby kick in the ass and help you get to know the parts of yourself that are activated.
My primary intention here on Dear Gabby is to help you tune in to this beautiful collage of parts of who you are and recognize that each of those parts deserves your attention and love.
As you tend to your parts, you’ll open up your conscious awareness to receive more support from the Universe … and set crystal clear boundaries with love! Enjoy this powerful episode of Dear Gabby.
Get More Gabby
The following are helpful resources and books I mention in the episode.
Want to uplevel your relationships and ALL areas of your life? I can be your spiritual coach all year long inside the Miracle Membership! You’ll get weekly coaching lessons, guided meditations, a supportive community and hundreds of hours of content to keep you consistent on your path of spiritual growth. Plus, every quarter I’ll lead one of my challenges, including the upcoming Relationship Challenge! Add more love and connection to all your relationships starting October 1. Join now!
Then, in January, you’ll learn how to become a magnet for all your desires with the Manifesting Challenge. Discover an unshakable sense of inner peace with the Meditation Challenge in April. Feel free, safe and peaceful in your body with the Body Love Challenge in July. Plus, members will be the first to try the new Gabby+ app when it launches in 2023. It’s time to start living a life beyond your wildest dreams—join the Miracle Membership today!
For more guidance on setting boundaries with love, check out this episode of the Dear Gabby podcast.
In my latest book, Happy Days: The Guided Path from Trauma to Profound Freedom and Inner Peace, I share 9 spiritual and therapeutic tools that can help you find freedom on the other side of fear. This book will help you get to know all the parts of yourself, and find love and compassion for each one of them.
Find out your Attachment Style
If you enjoyed this show and you want to learn more about your patterns and needs in relationships, this is my assignment for you: Take my free, 2-minute What’s Your Attachment Style? quiz. You’ll get to know a lot more about yourself in minutes … and that will help you take your boundary work to the next level!
If you feel you need additional support, please refer to this list of safety, recovery and mental health resources. I’m proud of you for being here.
This podcast is intended to educate, inspire and support you on your personal journey toward inner peace. I am not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from any psychological or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified health professional.
The following podcast is a Dear Media production.
Hi there, Gabby here, this podcast is intended to educate, inspire and support you on your personal journey towards inner. I’m not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do ...
The following podcast is a Dear Media production.
Hi there, Gabby here, this podcast is intended to educate, inspire and support you on your personal journey towards inner. I’m not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from a psychological or medical condition, please seek help from a qualified health professional.
Chances are, if you’ve been listening to Dear Gabby, you are definitely committed to your personal growth and one area that I see consistently coming up for everybody on the show when I Dear Gabby folks and guests come on, is people feeling stuck in relationships, struggling in their romantic relationships, having power struggles in their work relationships, just lots of relationship stuff coming up.
And I’ve been there in every relationship of my life. I’ve had different things that have come up along the way. And there’s one thing I learned that literally changed my relationships forever. And when I became clear about my attachment style, the more I knew about my personal attachment style, the easier it was to relate to others and to understand why people triggered me so much and then to fix it, really get to the bottom of it.
And that’s why I created a free two-minute quiz for you to learn your attachment style. I want all of my listeners to have a clear understanding of what your attachment style is, so that you can then bring that awareness into your relationships. Head over to deargabby.com/attachment. To take the free two-minute quiz and learn what your style is.
That’s deargabby.com/attachment. Take the quiz. Thank me later.
Hey there. Welcome to Dear Gabby. I’m your host Gabby Bernstein. And if you landed here, it is absolutely no accident. It means that you’re ready to feel good and manifest a life beyond your wildest dreams. Let’s get started.
A while back, we did a show on boundaries and it was so popular, and I knew it was going to be, that I decided to do another episode on it. It was so popular that when we were recording it, my Dear Gabby guests were begging for more. They were like, keep going with this topic. I want more, I want more Gabby. So I, I really just had to keep this conversation going.
And we talked about the four steps of boundaries, the four steps to creating loving boundaries. You can go back to that old episode and listen to that. But for today’s show, I really wanna hone in on the first step because without the first step, nothing will work without the first step. No boundary can be created.
So before you even go back to that old episode, this episode actually is gonna really tee you up and give you a great, great sense of what is required to create a clear boundary with love. And that is to really center your heart, to get your heart centered with a tremendous amount of love and compassion first towards yourself and next to the other person that you need to create the boundary with.
But it has to start with you. It has to start with you. We lack boundaries often because we think that if we speak up for ourselves, we won’t be loved. We’ll be unlovable. We’ll be rejected. We won’t be adequate enough. We don’t believe we deserve that kind of respect.
We don’t even believe that we deserve to give it to ourselves. We potentially grew up in environments that were very boundaryless. So we learned to have poor boundaries. We people-please, that’s a big one. We saw that on the last show. When we talked about this, we people please; we do everything we can to avoid conflict.
We are terrified of asking for our needs to be met—all of the above. When we’re in these patterns of overriding our needs and our desires and our commitment to ourselves. We are not only creating a very unstable environment for ourselves internally, but we’re creating a lot of difficulty in relationships because when we’re not asking for what we need and we’re not caring for ourselves, we’re not in our authentic truth.
You’ve heard me say over and over again on this show that what’s the most sexy and attractive about you is your authenticity. When we lack the boundary, when we lack the clarity, when we lack the voice to speak for what we need to ask for what we need to create, what we need, we lack vulnerability. We lack connection.
We really create more negativity and distance in our relationships. So if you’re in a relationship right now, romantic or otherwise, this is your episode. And the last one, I mean, you wanna like listen to these together. You wanna go back to them, you wanna re-practice them, re-practice them, re-practice them.
This one is honing in on that first step of establishing that love first for yourself that love and that heart-centered connection for yourself. And that starts by just using what we did in the first episode of a heart hold. Really gently placing your hand on your heart and your other hand on your belly.
I’m gonna give you a new level of this today. If you’re not driving, you can close your eyes. And if you’re driving, just take this in. Just allow me to soothe you while you drive. But if you’re not driving, find a place that’s private and just get comfortable with your hand on your heart and your hand on your belly.
Just closing your eyes gently if you’re not driving a vehicle or operating any machinery or watching small children, whatever’s going on. And just give yourself a deep belly breath. Breathing in. And letting go.
Taking another deep breath in and let that go. For a moment, reflecting on the area of your life, where you’ve been struggling to create a boundary, noticing what that feels like in your body to not create the boundary, to override yourself. To not speak up for yourself to not care for yourself.
Anything that you notice about what comes up when you even think about creating a boundary; what’s coming up for you? Notice it; notice it in your body, notice it in your energy. Is there a color; is there a gender? Is there an age? Is there a sensation that’s coming through for you? What do you notice about it?
Now let’s get to know that part of you, that’s afraid to create boundaries. The part of you that’s hiding from your boundaries. What do you know about it? Is there an image or a timeframe? Is there a storyline again? Is there a gender, an age? Be specific really get into this and be specific. What do you know about the part of you that’s afraid to create boundaries or that avoids boundaries?
And this could be boundaries in any area of your life—boundaries with money, boundaries with relationships, boundaries with coworkers, boundaries, with children. What do you know about it?
And then ask yourself, this part of you that’s not yet ready to create the boundaries, ask it in order to create a healthy boundary. What would you need? What would you need?
Just be honest, let whatever comes through you come through you, maybe you hear something say, maybe you hear that, that part of you say, I would need to feel safe or I would need to be relaxed or I would need to be jovial, or I would need to feel supported in the moment. What would you need?
And take a deep breath in and just really give yourself that part of you that has been avoiding boundaries. Just give yourself and that part of you, a lot of love and compassion, and just say, whew, avoidant part. We’ve been doing a lot. We’ve been working hard. Thank you for your service. I have a lot of compassion for all the reasons and behaviors and feelings that I might be avoiding.
I love myself so much for just checking in, just looking at what’s up and having the courage to become curious about it. What a beautiful moment. Just speaking back to yourself with calm energy and a sense of connection to yourself, and when you’re ready, open your eyes.
That practice of noticing and knowing and needing is what I actually want you to do to take that first step of creating boundaries to the next level. Before you create a boundary before you even contemplate creating a boundary, I want you to get to know the part of you that’s avoiding it, and to extend love and to extend compassion, curiosity, calmness, courage, connectedness, creativity.
All those C qualities of self-energy, the love energy, the internal parent. To tend to that part of you that is afraid to speak up for themself, afraid to speak up, afraid to ask for what you want. Befriending that avoidant part, befriending the party you that’s, that’s scared to speak up actually is the first step is establishing that love energy, that peace within you to get to a place where you can start to actually even the playing field, relax your nervous system, calm your energy and just settle so that you can actually begin even the contemplation of what it would be to create a healthy boundary. Big work.
It’s cool because I took that four-step process and now we’re dissecting it and really establishing this understanding of step one. Once again, when you really master this step for this first step of just connecting to the, the needs within you and the love within you with compassion and courage towards yourself, then you can really rock out with the four steps in the original boundary episode.
So I wanna hear from my guests today and really play this step out. Really workshop this step, play it out, and get a sense of how it supports our guests today on Dear Gabby.
Now for a quick break to talk about today’s partner Calm—the number one mental wellness app to give you the tools that improve the way you feel. Let’s take a moment to focus on you. How are you feeling? How are things going? If your answer was anything less than: Gabby, I’m feeling awesome. Then I wanna help you.
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GABBY: So let’s dive into the first step of boundaries. Whoever you wanna bring in Sam; bring in our first guest.
CALLER: Hello. My goodness. Everybody says this. They have this feeling. And so I, I was kind of not prepared, but at the same time, like, could it be me? I feel really lucky. I’m such an avid listener to this podcast.
It’s something I look forward to every Monday morning. So very grateful for the service that you do. So, um, yeah, so this is a treat in this subject of boundaries is one that I feel like I do need to put into practice. I am, you know, challenged by establishing boundaries with my clients. I’m in a service business and I’m an agent, so I work with…
GABBY: Wooh, this will be fun. You’re a good one to work with today. Okay.
CALLER: Yeah. So it’s like, basically my business is lifting up other people’s businesses and kind of giving to them. It’s just the nature of it is, um, you know, I’m pretty much in service to other people’s desires and, um, visions and businesses and, and needs.
And, uh, it’s, you know, I feel really grateful that I’m able to do this service, but I put up with a lot being in this position and yeah. And I’ve been doing it for a long time. And I think in a way, like I have changed so much during this time, what I used to accept in order to just, you know, suck it up and make a dollar is not really the case for me now.
And so my values have changed and I’m navigating my way kind of through that as it relates to people that I currently work with and what I’m willing to do and what I’m not willing to do and how much I give.
GABBY: Yep. It’s interesting. Cuz it sounds like you’ve had a nice run at this career. So you’ve established yourself in the industry. But even in those moments, when we have success and we’ve established ourselves in our industry and we have a reputation, we can still override ourselves even when we don’t have to. So it’s a little bit of an undoing.
GABBY: I’m proud of you though, because I’m recognizing that you can see clearly one, you put your time in, you don’t have to do that anymore.
And two it’s not really working for you. So that’s excellent. That’s excellent. Let’s get into this, just to ask you a few questions when you’re in that place, just to really hone in on this, this first step, because like I said, if we don’t own the first step, we won’t be able to do it. So in those moments, when you’re overriding yourself and you’re taking on too much, what do you notice is happening in your physiology?
What do you notice is happening in your mind, in your breath. What’s happening? What do you notice about that feeling?
CALLER: Yeah. I mean, the, the one thing that I think is prevalent for me is my competitive nature. And I think it again, has to do with sort of a generational thing and how I was raised in business.
But one of the thoughts that comes up for me, when I think about holding my ground or when I’m preparing to have these kinds of conversations is, you know, what’s gonna happen if this all falls apart and this person goes to somebody else? And they’re hugely successful, you know, it’s spinning out in my mind of, you know, maybe going through there’s fear, second-guessing and yeah.
GABBY: There’s fear. Yeah. There’s fear. Okay. Let’s send some compassion to that fear. It’s reasonable. Okay. I have a girlfriend who was having, I was at a kid’s birthday party with she’s an agent and she was in the country at a kid’s birthday. And she’s like, I gotta get on the train right now to go to a birthday party for one of my clients.
And I was like, are you effing kidding me? Like, say no. And she’s like, I have to stay relevant. You know, so there’s some, you know, acceptance here of like, all right, there’s so a certain amount that I’ll do and put up with just to part of the job. Right. And then there’s boundaries. So that’s the first step is sort of recognizing the fear and recognizing the fear that’s instilled in the industry, noticing it, call it by its name.
Fear. Right? Here it is. And being compassionate towards yourself. Falling into that fear, but also be grateful for that fear because that fear keeps some boundaries, right? That fear keeps you in check. It keeps you motivated. It’s not a bad thing. Right? We don’t want it to be running the show.
GABBY: And then I want you to consider what it would be like to establish some clarity around what it is that you want with this client with a thing that you don’t wanna do.
The thing that you do wanna do, whatever it is. And I’m gonna use this step one work, particularly on you loving them. Okay. Because I don’t get a sense that there’s a lot of lack of self-love. I just think that there’s a sense of like fear of not being relevant. Right? Or fear of losing the client. That’s, that’s a different conversation.
I genuinely feel from you being with you here right now that there’s a lot of confidence and there’s a lot of like self-compassion and yeah. A lot, a lot it’s really present. So it’s really about the compassion to the client. Thinking about one of those hot clients in particular that really triggers you right? In this moment, right here, right now, placing your hand on your heart and your hand on your belly.
Giving yourself some grace breathing in, notice that person in front of you just see them sitting here with you and just notice what’s up. What are you feeling right here right now with that person?
CALLER: I just feel like we’re not on the same page and like, you know, Yeah, we’re just not on the same page.
There’s nothing. I think she has an incredible heart. I think she’s an unbelievable talent, but we just aren’t aligned in where we’re at. We’re just not really going in the same direction. We’re not working that well together.
GABBY: How do you feel towards her?
CALLER: You know, I really respect. Really respect her. Like, I, there are a lot of qualities in her that have been inspiring and I’ve learned a lot and we’ve done great things together, but I also feel like she does not take my input into consideration and it isn’t a respectful kind of partnership in that way.
GABBY: Okay. So. A there’s lot of admiration and hurt. Yeah. Yeah. So while I noticed that there was such a beautiful self-energy of like a lot of compassion toward yourself and all that, I’m actually redirecting what I was saying before, which is step one has to come back to you. There’s hurt. There’s some work around extending compassion and curiosity towards yourself.
What’s coming up for me? What needs to be revealed?
CALLER: Yeah. It’s like, I think you nailed it. I’m I am hurt. And I think it does go back to myself in the sense that it makes me second guess my worth when somebody doesn’t value my input or my time, or, you know what I bring to the table. Yeah. Even though I see the potential and I, I think we all mean, well, it’s um. Yeah, there’s been some damage done.
GABBY: For the next 30 days, I have an assignment for you. I don’t want you to do anything different in this relationship. Just keep moving as you’re moving, but I want you to wake up every morning before you start your day. And I want you to do the heart hold with your hand on your heart and your hand on your belly. And I want you to tap into that hurt part.
And I want you to get to know it, get curious about it. I want you to give it space to speak up and breathe; maybe you tap into a sense of compassion towards it. As you breathe into that feeling like really tap into the feeling right? And we can do it right here for a moment. Just breathing into that part of you that’s hurt and just notice where it lives in your body.
Notice one thing about it, and you can tell me if you wanna tell me what you notice.
CALLER: I feel like it strangely, I just feel like I went straight to like my right leg, like my knee and like this just sort of tense area and my shin.
GABBY: That’s nice work. Okay. So there’s tension in your knee and shin. Okay. And what do you know about this part of you?
CALLER: What do I know about this part of me? That I’m really, really strong and I feel like I’ve, you know, I’ve put up with a lot in a lot of areas in my life, and I’ve learned a lot from it.
GABBY: But I want you to just be in a place of, in the morning for 30 days, just getting to know and befriending the part of you that’s hurt mm-hmm and giving that part of you a lot of love, a lot of compassion, being curious towards that part of you thinking about connecting to it.
Because when we feel defensive or we lack boundaries, it’s often because we are overriding an exiled part of who we are. And so this is about tending to that part that’s hurt. And if you just casually just became present with that part that hurts, and just put your awareness towards that part that hurts and just breathed into the feeling of hurt.
You can tend to the part of you that’s activated. And by caring for that part of you, that’s activated in 30 days in a month, your feelings towards her will be quite different.
GABBY: Because when the hurt is dissolved, we can create boundaries with love. I actually lived this recently, a close friend did something and it really hurt me.
And I was in so much rage and so much defense. And if I had met her from that place and created the boundary with her of like, yo, I don’t do this in relationships. From that defensive hurt place, that child place? I don’t think we’d be friends right now. I think it would’ve just shamed her blamed her—end of relationship.
So I did my work. It took me a week in this instance to really work with the hurt. And as soon as I felt relief from that work and felt that hurt, relax, and settle. And that I tended to my inner parts. I met up with her and I was like, yo, love you, forgive you. That shit ain’t gonna work in my life. Just, ain’t gonna fly.
I, you know, I hold you in a lot of compassion and I’m here for it, but I am not here for that.
GABBY: And she just met me with so much love, was able to see her part, was able to get, you know, the help that she needed, whatever it was. Right? Because I was able to say to her with so much love and compassion, I love you. I honor you, I forgive you, but I’m not here for that, you know?
And I’m not really worried about the outcome of how you handle this relationship, because if you tend to the part of you that’s hurt by., it’ll be a lot easier to establish some clarity in the relationship feel into it. So…
GABBY: So what we wanna do to take care of the parts of who we are is bring self-energy to it. And I’ve talked a lot about self-energy. This is from Internal Family Systems therapy and self is the eight Cs. It’s compassion, curiosity. Like I really just want you to lean into curiosity. That’s all I want you to start with.
If you just spend some time getting curious about the hurt in the morning and breathing into it, that’s enough. And as you start to get curious, the compassion starts to sit in and as you’re getting curious, the connectedness starts to be established, and that curiosity creates calm because you’re not resisting it anymore.
And it creates creativity because you’re like, wait, oh, I could just like, love myself instead. You know, it starts to create creative ideas and that curiosity is that first step. So I want you to do 30 days of curiosity. Getting to know why, you know what’s up with the hurt? The hurt, it’s really young part.
It’s old, it’s young. It’s probably showing up in a lot of different places. She’s activating it now and don’t do anything different in the relationship. Just keep showing up. And the more you tend to the hurt, the more different you will be in the way you show up and what might happen, just sort of organically since she’s no longer triggering that part of you, boundaries just get settled without even having to speak about them.
CALLER: Yeah. That’s amazing.
GABBY: Oh, Julie, what a great example you are for us today, cuz this is you’re in an industry that’s very boundaryless and you’re gonna really work through it by tending to yourself.
CALLER: Obviously, this was like divine.
GABBY: Meant to be yeah. Meant to be meant to be.
CALLER: Thank you.
GABBY: Right on, mama. Nice to meet you.
I hope you’re enjoying this episode. And I wanna just take a quick break to talk about one of our sponsors. Do you ever feel that tightness in your tummy sitting in rush hour traffic, or maybe you can’t fall asleep at night because you have that never-ending to-do list? I know I hear this from a lot of our Dear Gabby guests that come through. That’s because of your gut.
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All right, so who’s next?
CALLER: Hi there. How are you?
GABBY: I’m doing really well. How are you doing?
CALLER: I’m good. You’re my hero. Gabby. I’ve got to say I’ve really been listening to everything the past few weeks, months, and you’ve been, been very inspiring. So thank you for everything that you did.
GABBY: Oh, I’m really happy I can support you. That’s beautiful. Thank you for coming back and coming in here with me.
CALLER: That’s okay. I’ve got so many questions. I dunno, which one to go with really. Um, for me, what I’m struggling with at the moment is actually moving myself through a certain point. I’ve been presented with opportunities and I keep on hitting a wall where I kind of have this self-saboteur behavior coming through.
And I feel that it’s like, you know, creating boundaries for myself and disciplines and things like that. So I just wondered whether you had any advice for that.
CALLER: It stems back, you know, to, to previous behaviors, but, um…
GABBY: Right! So self-sabotage is what’s coming up.
CALLER: Yeah. It’s more self-sabotage for me.
GABBY: All right. And you said creating boundaries with the part of you that’s self-sabotaging.
CALLER: Yeah. I think that there is an element of, with me that stands in my own way. It kind of, I say more confidence-led. I’ve had quite a lot of things happen the past couple of years and my confidence has been diminished somewhat.
And I feel that, you know, I’ve got this kind of fear of success that’s holding me back. I’m kind of acting in a self-sabotaging way. And so, you know, the boundaries is kind of with myself.
CALLER: Okay. So Michelle, I, I think that we wanna be careful when we. I know the topic today is boundaries. So we’re going there and we’re kind of applying it, but this is actually bringing up something really beautiful, which is sometimes we think we have to create boundaries with ourselves.
And in some instances, that can be really beneficial. For instance, the addict, the, the drug addict. It’s like, okay, I’ve got the boundary as a sober woman that I do not use any mood-altering substances period. That is a commitment I’ve made for 17 years. That boundary gave me the opportunity to do deeper spiritual therapeutic work.
So in this instance where you feel like you’re creating self-sabotage and you wanna be more boundaried about that behavior, one thing you can do is just call it out, notice it in the moment. Notice it whenever it comes up, notice the self-sabotage instead of just pushing past it, ignoring it, overriding it, pretending it didn’t happen.
Notice it because we can’t heal what we don’t give voice to. And so, in this case, I don’t want you to create a boundary in the sense of like, I’m never gonna sabotage myself again. I actually want you to come back to what we were talking about earlier with the curiosity. Notice it, get to know it by engaging with self-sabotage and just checking in with it.
You don’t let it pick up momentum. It’s when we just ignore or override behavior, whether it’s in a relationship with somebody else or with ourselves that we lose the potential for a boundary, where we lose control, where the behavior takes on its own life. Whether it’s addiction and, and honestly, this self-sabotage is another form of addiction.
It’s another form of saying like, I’m gonna push myself down so that I don’t have to feel this feeling of whatever it might be, the disappointment, the, whatever it could be. And so, that noticing it, instead of ignoring it, instead of getting hooked into it, instead of judging yourself more, the noticing that pattern begins the journey of starting to connect to it. Begins the journey of starting to extend love to it, begins the journey of opening up your heart to the creative possibilities of what are available to you to heal this part of yourself.
For today, as your jump-start, to give you this jump start. I just want you to do exactly what I gave our listener before this first step of creating a new relationship to that self-sabotage by becoming curious about it.
So once again, I want you to just maybe journal about it, put the self-sabotage at the top of the page and say, what do you want me to know? What do I know about you? Where do you come from? What do you feel like? Do you have a color? Do you have a shape? And get to know it. Maybe you do this on a daily basis.
And so when you just give yourself that spiritual exploration, becoming curious about the self-sabotage without judgment, with love and compassion, getting to know. What’s up here? And so the self-sabotage has been keeping you stuck in a pattern and now having the courage to be curious about it and to witness it is a big, massive jumpstart to lead you in the next right action to getting to that deeper core wound that needs to be healed.
Does that resonate with you, Michelle?
CALLER: Yeah, that sounds perfect. Thank you.
GABBY: You’re welcome, my love. Thank you so much for coming to the show. Thank you.
So here’s the deal, guys. Well, I’m not a therapist yet. Maybe one day I will be. I am gonna meet you all with therapeutic and spiritual principles, but a big part of my intention for this work is to, like I said, jumpstart, you is to give you a Dear Gabby kick in the ass to start to get to know what it is that may have been a little bit hidden.
Get to know the parts of yourself that are activated, to get to know that there’s even something there that needs tending to. And to do that from a place of a lot of love and compassion, not a place of judgment. So that is my primary intention here is to help you start to tap in and tune into and reveal this, this beautiful stuff, this beautiful, beautiful collage of parts of who we are that deserves our attention and our love.
And to open you up to the path and the journey of opening up your conscious awareness to receive more support from the universe. And that support will come in the form of a therapist, that support will come in the form of a coach.
That support will come in many different forms. Someone in the chat just said spiritual roadside assistance. I couldn’t have said it better myself. So that’s what I’m here for. Your spiritual roadside assistant. Gotta leave me a review on Dear Gabby with that one. Amazing. Okay, so let’s take the next person.
That was great. Hi, Allison.
CALLER: Hi. Oh my God. This is like a dream come true. Like my sister, my mom, like we’re all like avid, uh, Gabby fans. So I can’t wait to tell them I’m on here. My struggle is, and it kind of goes back, but I read your Happy Days book. I absolutely loved it. Um, it really helped me, especially, it came in perfectly because I did your manifesting challenge last year.
After that I was like having my health issues, weight gain. I wasn’t happy. And this summer, my husband, um, my ex soon-to-be ex-husband attacked me, like sexually assault. There’s a huge criminal case going on with that. So I’ve been dealing with that. I left getting a divorce, got a restraining order, PFA protected me and my two girls that are, five and two.
So learning from that experience, I don’t wanna repeat the same mistake. What I learned from that is I had a, I set my boundaries several times with my ex-husband and then going into future, like relationships if I ever start dating again. But sometimes coming from that place of like, letting go, like I set my boundaries, I told him my feelings, but they’re still crossing them.
And I always kind of just struggled with like, letting go.
GABBY: Mm-hmm, well, when your boundaries are related to your personal safety and the well-being of you and your family. And I don’t, you know, I know there’s children in the room, so I wanna be just, you know, cautious of the ways that the energy that we bring to the conversation.
So they hear our energy, not our words. Yeah. When it comes to your safety and your well-being, sometimes there isn’t patience for that. And there isn’t letting go there. There’s no letting go. That’s sometimes when we, what, like you did, you know, you sought the support and the help and the restraining order and the divorce and those real-life commitments that you’re making are extreme boundaries that are required.
I want you to give yourself so much grace and so much compassion and so much love. And I want you to feel me right here right now. Just extending that calm, compassion to you and saying, I’m proud of you for getting yourself to safety.
CALLER: Thank you. It means a lot.
And I have to say like, if it wasn’t for your work, like everything The Universe Has Your Back, Super Attractor, the Happy Days. It’s really, it’s got me through and moved me to this point in my life.
GABBY: I would advise you one. I’m gonna give you my relationship challenge and I’ll give you my well, I’m gonna give you my Miracle Membership and there’s a relationship challenge coming up in October.
I wanna suggest that you do the attachment quiz, the deargabby.com/attachment. To get to know a little bit of the why, you know what it is. Why do you keep attracting these types of partners?
CALLER: Anxious attachment, and then like codependent behavior.
GABBY: Yeah, of course. Of course, of course. I mean, this is all so common, my love.
And so, and I’m not trying to diminish this. This is serious stuff. And so what my big advice to you is, is like in early sobriety, they make the recommendation. Don’t get into a relationship for at least a year. Okay. Because you need to really tend to your inner self. And sometimes I would say a few years.
Okay? Especially if you’ve been attracting relationships that are not safe. So I really want to give you extend to you my elder advice here and suggest that you make your personal growth and spiritual development and healing, trauma work, all of it, your highest priority for you and for your girls and that you make a boundary and a commitment to maybe stay out of relationships for a year, a year and a half, whatever, until you feel safer because I promise you this, and it’s scary to say this, but if you don’t show up for what’s up, it’s gonna keep coming up and it’s gonna keep coming up in the form of the same man and the same man and the same man.
And so I’m just, I wanna be creating that safe boundary for you with you here right now to make that commitment.
CALLER: That’s what I kinda like needed to hear. I think I have that fear of like being alone, especially being a single mom.
GABBY: You are a profound person here right now. And you’re doing spiritual work on yourself.
You’re doing therapeutic work on yourself. I’m gonna give you my Miracle Membership.
CALLER: Thank you.
GABBY: I wanna hook you up with all the Gabby goods inside that membership. The relationship challenge. Get to work, make your spiritual commitment your personal growth, your highest priority. Get counseling. Get yourself into a community with other women who have had experienced domestic violence.
Do the work, do the work, do the work. I promise you, if you devote your life to the work, if you can make that commitment to the work, your children will thrive, your relationships will thrive, but it has to happen from you first, that relationship to yourself.
CALLER: What I needed to hear. It’s like, this was definitely divine. We planned being on your show. Cause I always try to go on the Dear Gabbys; thank you so much, Gabby. I really appreciate you.
GABBY: You’re welcome, my love. I’m so proud of you.
CALLER: Thank you.
GABBY: Make sure you keep taking care of yourself, okay?
CALLER: I will. Thank you.
GABBY: Okay. Thank you, love. That’s a beautiful way to close. That sometimes we have to create boundaries with ourselves. If we have addictive pattern, sometimes we actually need to create the abstinence, the boundary of abstinence in order to clear the space, to look more closely, to get more curious. In the case of addiction, in the case of codependency drug addiction, work addiction, love addiction.
Sometimes we have to, you know, do 90 days, a year, count days, in my case 17 years. Take away the substance or the drug of choice and the drug of choice can be love, can be relationships, can be abusive relationships. Take away the drug of choice, people pleasing, whatever it might be. Food. Remove it with abstinence, the support of a program, the support of a therapist, so that we can actually have the space to do the deeper work.
That’s a very big boundary creating boundaries with ourselves and our patterns. So that we can go deeper, so that we can explore more so we can become more curious and safely do that. This was such a big show. If you enjoyed the show and you wanna get to know yourself a bit more, as it relates to your boundaries, it, as it relates to why you are the way you are in relationships, go to deargabby.com/attachment and take the free two-minute attachment quiz.
And you’ll get to know a lot more about yourself, and that will really help you take this boundary work to the next level. And go back and listen to our other episode on boundaries where I lay out the four steps to creating boundaries with love.
Now that you’ve mastered step one, it’s gonna be even easier for you to take the other steps. And I just, I just love the bravery and the courage of all the people that join us on this show and the safe, soothing, and secure environment that we’ve established here on Dear Gabby. And I’m just really proud of every human listening.
I’m proud of you for listening. I’m proud of you for showing up. I’m proud of you for making it to the end. When we talk about big stuff and you get to the end, you can really just know you did your big spiritual work today. So I’m proud of you all. And thank you for joining me here on Dear Gabby.
If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you’re truly committed to miracles. I’m really proud of you. If you wanna get more Gabby, tune in every Monday for a new episode. Make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss any of the guidance or special bonus episodes. Your experience at this show means a lot to me.
So I really wanna welcome you to leave an honest review and you can follow me on social media @GabbyBernstein. And if you wanna get in on the action, sign up for a chance to be Dear Gabby’d live at deargabby.com. See you next week.