Are you a YESer?

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Hi Spirit Junkies! Though I pride myself in being someone who has clear boundaries I still find my way into some sticky situations in which I feel uncomfortable saying no. Saying no can be tough at times, especially when you’re afraid to disappoint someone. If you’re a YESer, then watch this video for my guidance on how to say no.

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70 COMMENTS

  1. Totally relate to this. I am going to really listen to my body and if something doesn’t feel right I’m saying no! Looking forward to seeing you in somerset for the expo.

  2. No is a complete sentence… one of my fav tools from MN! Goes hand in hand with, “Is this going to be fun?”

    You’d be so proud of me Gab, when it’s not a Hell-yes I just say, “I would, except that I don’t want to.” It makes peeps laugh and I’m really just being authentic and people dig that!

    love you, it’s going to be a fantastic week!

    1. Great Post Gabby and from the comments below I love that sentence so much Katie thankyou . I’ve definately got so much better at saying no but that sentence is going to make it much lighter:)
      as a yeser I am working at this a lot and yes I’m a yeser in recovery too! By tapping tiro my body and core desires it has made saying as Marie Forleo beautifully says it’s hell yes or nada!! So much easier love and light xx bernie

    2. Katie, I love that response “I would, except I don’t want to”. It does make ya laugh and it is so honest. That is exactly what people mean when they say they don’t have time or don’t have the money to do something.
      Thanks. Jeannie

  3. Omg Gabby! I had to read this bcuz the title basically said “this is u!” I have the problem of not wanting to let ppl down. One example is when I am free & invited to do something I usually always say “YES!” Even tho, as u say, it’s not a HELL YES! This also reminds me of your “FOMO” video. I have a problem with doing something that I may want to do a little bit but not a lot. And knowing that I could be doing something else more fulfilling or productive. And it turns out to be not worth it for the most part. You know. Smh. Thx a lot for pointing this out. I’m on it now. 🙂

  4. Hi Gabby – As a recovering YESer too, I can relate so I wanted to share with you and your readers a middle ground way that has been helpful for me. I recently began working with the Peace Alliance in DC on trying institute a cabinet-level Department of Peacebuilding to serve as a balance to our Department of Defense. Two things of note: 1. This is my *only* non-profit work of the year which enables me to politely but firmly decline other requests, e.g. “I’m extremely supportive of your programs but I’m afraid I have already committed to….” 2. The project I’m committed to – chairing the 2014 Lobby Days – has very finite start and end dates. They asked me to volunteer in an ongoing capacity but – to echo your point – I told them I would only be able to give my highest best within a limited window. This is my practice each year and it allows me to feel like I’m giving back while also keeping up with my other projects. Thanks for all you do. Xo / Emily

  5. I used to be a major “people pleaser”, but I am in recovery as well. I stay in tune with my intuition, and if my stomach starts folding in when someone asks me to do something for them, I just tell them I have to take time to think about it, and I’ll get back to them with an answer when I feel I can give them one. Thanks, Gabby 🙂

  6. The problem I have is saying yes but then not knowing the difference between not wanting to do something and just being lazy, or changing your mind. It’s a struggle..

  7. This message was sent from Gabby today and I truly believe it was guided to me by the universe.
    My family runs a nonprofit foundation in my late brothers memory for Traumatic Brain Injury Research and Prevention. Our annual fundraiser is a very large all consuming event that I usually really enjoy despite its large commitment. Well this year I am 8 months pregnant, and my sister is due with child in a month. The event has created a negative ripple through my thoughts and body. A friend told me this morning to just cancel.it for this year. Being a yeser by nature I was so hesitant to allow the thought of not having this event this year enter my mind. Literally 5 minutes before seeing this message I had sent a message to all our volunteers and supporters informing them that due to life circumstances the event would b

  8. I competely relate to this video. I had a job interview last week. As I left the interview, my body was feeling icky and tight, and my intuition was screaming, “Nooooo!!!!” I had to turn down the offer later in the week. It felt awkward and uncomfortable. I even felt like I was “leading them on.” But ultimately, I made the right decision for me by saying a graceful no. Thanks for sharing your journey, Gabby!

  9. Cancelled. I was freaking out because i have NEVER allowed myself to do this before…to just say no. To hear Gabby speak and see this message at that moment reaffirmed my decision and made me feel so good. We must serve our beautiful selves first in order to serve anybody else…In order to spread love we must honor ourselves first.
    As always…thank you Gabby! My mother is at the convention, that I was supposed to be at too, but can no longer fly, and she said the energy in the room was unbelievable. Next year!! XO

  10. Gabby the timing of this is unbelievable. I literally just did the same thing this past Friday. I said yes to something that I had already spent time mediating on that my inner guidance had directed me to say no. But when put in the situation the person had so much enthusiasm that I ended up saying yes. Like you I almost immediately started feeling anxious and unsettled. This lasted all day Saturday I couldn’t shake this feeling and realized that I was a yes’er. I wrote an email Sunday morning releasing me from the situation and I immediately felt lighter and knew I made the right decision. Yet, my ego wouldn’t let it go and I was still struggling this morning feeling kind of bad that I backed out and your video was exactly what I need to reaffirm that I followed my heart and it was ok to say no. Thank you 🙂

  11. It does feel so true to hear that. Funnily enough, I receive “Daily Challenge Reminders” every day and today it said “Learn to say No to a new Commitment”… So I guess there is something I need to work on an learn! 😉

    I have a question though… How can I know that the anxiety coming over me after saying “a wrong yes” is not my ego playing tricks on me?

    Love to all.

  12. Lol This has really made me laugh. I can remember how I used to be, such a people pleaser because I was soooo afraid of rejection. Not up until now I have realized that I’ve gone the opposite without noticing. Now if you ask me it’s a NO at first and then you have to convince me for the yes. I do it as a joke but it works, no more of those manipulative suckers, all gone and when my friends want to twist it a bit they have to go really creative (it’s good for their brains :))

  13. Gabby, Thank you! I relate to this on so many levels. The hardest one is with my ex, who we share children together. I left her because it was a negative, toxic relationship, and she , after 2 years STILL calls me and expects me to bail her out of situations or lend her money. The kids live with me, and she has moved on and been remarried for a year now. But I feel guilty for causing her pain by leaving (because I loved her so much, the relationship was just slowly killing me), and have a hard time saying no. I will start working on this asap! Not sure how yet, but it will happen. 🙂 Much love & light!

  14. The last time I tried to say yes to something I really didn’t want to, my voice stuck and I couldn’t clear my throat. My body clearly wasn’t letting me speak until it was my truth coming out. 🙂

  15. Hi Gabby! I think my body is out of tune with knowing what I really want. I feel like I often want to say no to events with friends/family that often bring me joy when I am in them or after they have happened. I am a yes-er in that I always go, and close to never regret having done it, but I am curious as to why my initial reaction is -NO- in my brain, and why I seem to drag my heels getting there? I do think that part of me craves more unstructured and unscheduled free time when I’m not working but it seems hard to just reserve any of that without an explanation.

  16. Thanks so much for this Vlog. I am such a YESer. It always takes a toll on my body and yes, that little thing called resentment is always not far behind. After listening to what you had to say, I feel that I have the courage to start saying no to requests that are not “hell yes” and not feel bad about it. 🙂

  17. Hi Gabby,
    I am a recovering YESer for sure. My practice to overcome this tendency has been not to answer on impulse. Even when I am very interested and excited about a project, I ask if I can get back to them in a day or two so that I can to sleep on it. I always mention my level of interest and insist that I want to make sure I can commit to the project before I jump in. I have never met anybody refusing this small request and I came to believe that it is mutual respect. I think that if somebody would refuse that I sleep on it, I would not want to work with them and that would be a clear message that the project is not for me.

    Thank you for all your generosity

    Sat Nam Beautiful

  18. Great video! Following the “hell yes” and letting go of the rest. I’m learning how quickly I can overextend myself and burn out, lately. This video came at just the right time. As usual! Rock on, rock star.

  19. I have learned a great trick to use when somebody asks me to do something….I use this to be sure I want to do it and that my saying yes is in everybody’s interest. I say “let me get back to you about that.” I don’t say let me look at my schedule….I just take charge of it and then when I’ve had a chance to weigh the situation, I let the person or organization know. Easy peasy….btw I also use this technique with friends and it works beautifully.

  20. Thank you so much. I always love hearing such authentic real life examples as it gently reminds me it’s progress not perfection. This was great!

    Could you do a VLog on saying sorry too often or too much? What I mean with that is that when we apologise for something how to not fall into the trap of apologising over and over again. I have learnt to only say sorry once (obviously it depends on what and I am talking here about reasonably minor things) exactly because it can become so submissive, turning into a shame spiral, and beating ourselves up. I feel from the bottom of my heart one authentic apology is better than a desperate sorry over and over again.
    Yet, of course I don’t have this down all the time. Fear creeps in. As I type I’m sitting here wanting to text someone sorry AGAIN for something really minor. I’m worried about their reaction. Again I have to stress that my fear is out of proportion but I think that’s the whole point? Does this all make sense?

    It would be super super cool if you could share with us on that!!!

    Love ya xx

    p.s. “only love is real” just popped into my head. thank you angels. that chills me out a little 🙂 x

  21. Today I had to take a day off from taking on too much due to my “YESer” habits in extra curriculars at school. It’s crazy how I happened upon this video in my email at this time! The universe works wonders!!

  22. Hey Gabby,

    Thank you so much for this. I have been recovering from approval addiction lately. This is one of the hardest things for those of us that are in a healing profession. Thank you so much for posting this.

    Storm

  23. Hello,

    Thank you for this video! I am working on my assertiveness. I have noticed lately that saying no has been gaining very dramatic and negative responses from people that leave me feeling guilty and emotionally drained afterwards I know this is because I have lost connection to my true power and I feel on some level that I don’t have the right to say no. “How dare you”. “You should be ashamed of yourself”.

    So quite strong mirroring of my own self perceptions! Working on saying no with love instead of like a stroppy teenager is my next challenge!

    Love to all <3

    1. Hi Jennifer,

      I an totally relate with you. At times people get upset when you’re used to saying yes and now you’re saying no. I’m glad that you also get that it’s coming from your own self-judgment. I too have learned to say no with love. Keep practicing as they say, practice makes perfect.

      Love and light! 🙂

  24. Hi Gabby,
    This message was perfect timing. Had to just very recently say “NO” to my brother. It was awful, but I KNEW from the way in which my body was reacting; like a panic attack; shaking, nervous, sweaty, heart pounding. That it had to be the right thing for myself. I had said yes way too many times previously and I was at the end of my rope!!
    So, thank you for this extremely important message. Now, I am 100% sure of my NO answer given just a week ago!!
    xo
    bonnie

  25. I am also a recovering ‘YESer’ and totally related to your story. I also have found myself in situations where I said yes, even though I didn’t necessarily want to, then became resentful AFTER the fact, if I didn’t feel that the people involved really appreciated my efforts. I love the Marie Forleo quote – her quotes always make me smile:-)

  26. What happens when I say no and the person then gets mad and it starts an argument because that person turns it to mean I don’t care. This feels like manipulation to me but I can’t get the person to understand that.

  27. Hi Gabby,

    What about when you say yes and hesitate due to financial reasons, but what you’re saying yes to could actually be good for you (your health)? I just recently went to an acupuncture consultation and they offered me a package and I wanted to say yes, –and I did, but a part of me worried due to financial reasons. A small part of me wonders if I made the right choice but I also hope that it is able to help me.

  28. I loved this video, my whole brand and core message is about living a “Hell Yeah!” life. I always talk about only doing what makes us feel Hell Yes! A “maybe” is a NO in my book 🙂 Enthusiasm is the best way to find where we want to focus our energy.
    Besos,
    Mercedes

  29. I can truly relate to this and working on this. Just yesterday a friend asked to come over later and I said yes knowing I had work to do but I thought I’d be back home early enough to get stuff done before she got there. It didn’t happen and it was late when I started working. I reached out to her to cancel as I couldn’t be fully present with all the stuff I had to do and she came over. It was very easy but I’ve come a long way as I was happier with my choice of being honest with her. A year ago, I would of kept the appointment and resented myself for not getting my work done and I would not have been fully present and not a great company. Thanks for sharing, it’s very important for us to speak our truth and choose what works for us as that’s when we can truly be of service to others. Sat Nam!

  30. IN FEBRUARY MY AMBITION EXCEEDED MY REACH. THIS IS A CHANCE ONE TAKES WHEN INTERESTED IN MANY THINGS. I THINK I CAN DO IT ALL, BUT CAN’T BECAUSE I HAVE HOME DUTIES THAT SHOULD TAKE PREFERENCE. ESPECIALLY DIFFICULT WHEN ONE HAS FAMILY.

  31. This is also true of relationships…they too shoud be a “Hell yes!”. This message was so meaningful for me and ties in with the protecting your energy vlog too…..????to U

  32. Love your Comments and I think also from the text you have in the Books the persons can receive many final words or how should I mention it other instead of satisfaction documents. Now I would also be skeptical of what to answer to someone, because most of all, I had to say “yes” but now it`s not quite so for me as I have to many and cannot be part of all. But I still think and I am interested in different activities. Thank you – Namaste.

  33. Mornin Goddess,

    There absolutely is no coincidences, all is Divinely Guided. Just this morning I was sitting in deep anxiety whether or not to step out of a Science of Mind class I was taking through my Spiritual Community. I was praying, meditating, asking my body for the direction to take. I am also in the process of taking my Coaching Business to the next level of workshops, seminars, blogging and webinars, and boy am I ignited and turned on! With this said… I was in much delimma and decided to take a breath and pause and low and behold I came to your vlog on being a yeser! Wow couldn’t have been guided more directly than this! My heart is not in the class I am taking and kept going due to fear of disappointing classmates and Rev. PHEW what a relief… If its not hell yes than it is hell no! My gratitude for you and your Spiritual teachings can not be described in human words! Thank you thank you thank you!!! And Namaste, Sat Nam (ps… today is cleaning out what is not energizing me day…A. called Rev and opted out of class without much discouragement on her part. B. will be releasing a few of the 7 gals I sponsor because I am not bringing my A Game to them. Draining my energy for what my hearts desire is is not acceptable to me anymore!) <3

  34. Gabby- this hits home, Sister! As I prepare to start my own business- and finish my reflexology certification I found myself “yes-ing” everyone thinking it was what I needed to move forward. But I honor those around me when I bring my best self to the table and my best self is a well rested, well nourished, spirit junkie who makes time for herself and only says “HELL YES” to things that truly serve her!!
    HELL YES! Amen Sister. xox

  35. Awesome video, Gabby!
    I am reading Money A Love Story by Kate Northup and she was writing about financial energy leaks and I feel these two topics are very related. We have to take care of ourselfs and our energy first before we can give, if not we get drained.
    Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom!
    Much love,
    Christina

  36. Ok, this totally hits home for me. I find myself saying yes all the time without taking the time to really think the question through. I always please everyone and make sure everyone else is ok, but sometimes you have to be selfish in a good way so that you can serve everyone else.
    I have a question though. I recently had an opportunity come up for me and I spent a long time thinking about what to do. I knew it was a yes but the timing was wrong so i said no. As soon as i said no i had a sinking feeling knowing that i made the wrong decision, and knowing that if i wanted to i could have moved things around to make the answer yes. . .i realize now that i let fear run the show .. .how do i move on after letting fear win?

  37. Thank you soooo much for this Gabby! This is truly a case of the universe providing just what you need exactly when you need it. I am totally a YESer! I always have been and it has resulted in me battling depression for longer than I care to remember. Lately I have been battling specifically with not knowing what to do over a trip that I am due to go on in a couple of weeks. The trip is with a couple of girlfriends and is for 6 days. It will be my first longish trip away from my son who is 3. Almost as soon as I had agreed to this trip I started to have doubts and now my son seems to have developed a bit of a separation anxiety which has compounded those doubts. I have been torn between feeling bad about letting my friends down and feeling bad for leaving my son. Not once has it really occurred to me to just listen to what is the right decision to make for me. Now having heard your message I am going to just sit and try to listen to my inner voice and trust that it knows exactly what is right for me and not worry about what anyone else thinks! Thank you for giving me the freedom to trust in myself! Love and light, Annie.

  38. Omg Gabby, you are so right on the spot with this and how you handled it! Your so right…. If you can’t really “be there” wholly, it doesn’t serve anyone. In fact, I have told people I would be doing them a mis-service to participate,and because I care and love them so much I have to decline. That seems to go over with more appreciation and respect for being honest. I too use to be a yes’er, because I wanted to be popular, liked by all and really be a part of. But, I found it exhausting. Now I believe in balance and try to step up where I feel I can be the most helpful without compromising my own busy agenda and become burnt out juggling the balls! Thanks, I’m Facebooking this for all my girls to see! I love you:)
    Karena

  39. I was raised with guilt…if I said no I was lead down the guilt trip path until I said yes. I made everyone happy but myself. It has taken me a long time but I finally have reached it….I can now say no and feel good about it without the guilt. I am healthier because I have accepted the word no in my vocabulary!

  40. Hi Gabby,

    I love your video! I am reaching out because I would like to speak with you about a possible DVD opportunity along these same lines about balance in the modern world. Will you please get in touch when you have a free moment?

    Many thanks!

    Sincerely,

    Christine

  41. First of all, thank you for all these inspirational videos!

    Unfortunately, lately I’ve found that in many of these videos on your website the sound is pretty soft. I put up the volume of the video AND the laptop, but it didn’t help, and I’m not experiencing this with other sites..
    Just saying, hope you can prevent it in future videos

    lots of love
    keep up the good works!

  42. I am a recovering “yeser.” However, how do you apply this principle to jobs. I am a professional dancer. And for the past two years I have been waiting tables and dancing very little. It is hard as a dancer to find work that is local enough that I can live with my boyfriend and see him daily. We have relocated to a new city, and there have been some dance opportunities for me. But none are reliable enough to pay the bills just yet. So I am AFRAID I will have to go serve somewhere.. AGAIN. I feel so much resentment. I am not sure what to do. I wonder if I should say no to the server job, or take the server job just to feel the security of money flow. My question is, when do you use no, when its about something as important as money flow.?

  43. hi gabby,
    this is the first time i have left a comment but this topic really compelled me to ask for further guidance. I relate so much to the anxiety and the physical stress of saying yes…waking up at 4am knowing its wrong for you. but what i struggle with is once i say no or stand up for my own needs i am racked with guilt. i feel so guilty after letting people down or at the thought of letting people down that i feel like its almost easier to suffer through it rather than let someone down. hence my cycle of yes continues. do you have any advice on releasing the feeling of guilt when we choose to serve ourselves instead of others?

    1. remember that serving yourself is actually serving the world. when you heighten your energy you can bring forth more love to others.

    2. I suffer from the same problem. I tend to start out saying no, then feel so guilty that I change my no to a yes. I call it my “Catholic Guilt” response. Best of luck Chantel!

  44. What a beautiful reminder that our bodies are sometimes so much wiser than our brains! Thank you for speaking (y)our Truth!

    Also, please share how you get those BEAUTIFUL curls in your hair! ;o)

    Namaste’

  45. Thank you for this! I feel like the common saying “You only regret what you don’t do, not what you do” is misleading. I have many regrets about what I say yes to. Sometime saying no is the right answer.

  46. I love that line…”If it’s not a Hell Yes, than it’s a Hell No!!” That will be very helpful to me!! Thanks GB you’re the best!! XOXO

  47. I love this so much, Gabby! I’ve gotten a lot better about saying “no” when I mean “no” instead of trying to people please or avoid conflict or confrontation by saying yes. I do have a question though, for you or anyone else who feels called to respond, how do you deal with the fear of people coming back and hounding you to change your mind, whether or not they actually do? (And I know that our thoughts create/reflect our experiences so I really want to work on shedding this fear of the other person’s reaction to my “no”). Thank you! <3

  48. Thanks so much for this Gabby – do you have any advice for dealing with family who use guilt trips like you don’t know how much longer they are going to be alive or when the whole family can get together again, etc? I can’t handle large family gatherings and tons of questions, but they can’t seem to understand that. Thanks in advance. Blessings!

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